As we stand on the cusp of a brand new year, our chesticles are brimful of hope, expectations, dreams, aspirations and other related synonyms listed in the national thesaurus of our collective Cliftonian spirit. Where are we headed? When will we get there?

Who will be driving us? And will our transport have free Wi-Fi?

In order to get a peek into the future that awaits us, Eos decided to speak to Gen GHQ, the Republic of Cliftonia’s foremost oracle and soothsayer, and share his predictions for 2024.

“At the outset, let me say that the coming year is destined to be one of the most spectacular years for my resume,” reveals Gen GHQ. “There will be new assignments, new postings, new job descriptions, new inductions, and a wide array of domestic and international activities. I can see myself travelling to Davos with my business manager but whether my wife will be accompanying me is unclear, as Mercury is currently in retrograde… just like my wife.

Cliftonians can look forward to a rebranding of Martial Law(n)

“I can clearly see this summer will be one of the hottest and most challenging ones we have ever faced as a planet. Thanks to the global warming and local freezing phenomena, temperatures all around the world will be doing the Macarena. What that really indicates even my superior prescience can’t foretell but, needless to say, I have issued relevant orders to protect the citizens of our glorious Republic from any harshness that our environs might unleash upon us.

“Therefore, you will be pleased to know that I have decided to rebrand and relaunch our famous Martial Law(n), a fabric perfect for the heat of our summer months. As history has shown, only Martial Law(n) can provide the right kind of protection and cover that our national skin and psyche so desperately need.

So, I wish to congratulate the entire nation on this blessed rebranding. May this designer lawn out-design every other lawn in the market and may it spread its cottony tentacles as far as the eye can see, the ear can hear, the nose can sneeze, and the lips can pucker.

“In tandem with this glorious relaunch, let me also tell my fellow countrymen and countrywomen that fuchsia is going to be the colour of the season. Yes, this may come as a surprise to some of my colleagues who were leaning towards deep khaki as the national colour for this year, but upon consultation with my design team, ie my wife, we realised that fuchsia in all its many splendorous shades will serve as the succour the nation deserves in these times of economic hardships. The least I can do for my people is to provide them with the right shade of lawn.

“So yes, look out for fabulous fuchsia in the coming months. Also, hemlines will dilly-dally throughout 2024, just like government policies. A-lines silhouettes, on the other hand, will be here to stay and on this I am happy to bet your future. Be prepared for some exciting times!

“I can also predict that, other than Davos, there is a strong chance I will find myself in Monte Carlo for the Cliftonia Compost Company (CCC) board members’ annual meeting. Since our plant and operations are located deep within Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab and our clientele comprises denizens of its immediate rural environs, it is only natural that we hold the meeting in Monte Carlo. I see myself and my wife wearing different but complementary shades of fuchsia during our sojourn there.

“I see (s)elections taking place. I see old non-alcoholic wine in new bottles. I see Cliftonian politicians fighting amongst themselves for scraps off my table. I see expatriate Cliftonians remaining as disconnected with ground realities as they’ve always been. Just like me and my wife.

“I don’t wish to venture into what is likely to happen internationally because my focus has always been my motherland and the appropriated estates of my fatherland. However, I see famous international celebrity ‘liberals’ such as Jerry Seinfeld and Amy Schumer stand shoulder-to-shoulder with ‘progressives’ like President Joe Biden and ‘messiah peaceniks’ such as former President Donald Trump, in their caring attempts to bring peace and security to the dispossessed and the marginalised of the world.

“These people are the true embodiment of what I proudly call the Cliftonian ethos. I see myself, my wife and my fellow Cliftonians act more and more like these individuals in the coming months.

“I see a gigantic event occurring in the first week of April that will shake the entire world. It will be colossal and will involve the arrival of aliens. Some will be inducted into my cabinet when the time is right, but that is all I can divulge at the moment.

“And with that, I would like to wish everyone a very happy and Martial Law(n)-filled 2024!” he concluded.

The writer was born, he currently lives.

X: @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 31st, 2023