My new year’s revolution is to become a politico. Not fight elections, Allah na karay, or participate in jalooses or go to jail, Allah bilkul hi na karay, but to sit in my comfy sitting room and talk politics like all those old men do on TV except that, thanks God, I’m neither old nor manly.

So, first of all I want to say how happy I am that Imran’s balla was going to be returned to him. I mean, what’s a man without his balla, haan? Second, I’m so upset at the way police misbehaved with Shah Mehmood Qureshi when court had given bail. I mean is this any way?

Thirdly, what kind of election is it going to be if half of PTI wallahs’ papers are going to be dejected? I mean even if it’s going to be just a General election, aik do real candidates tau honay chahiyein, no?

Chalo, now that I’ve finished with politics, let me tell you what what else is happening. Lahore is so much draped in smock that you feel like you’re living inside a machhar dani, except that you can breathe inside a machhar dani. Despite of that, wedding season is in full swings and, as usual, an army of ex Paks has descented from UK, US, Singapore and all.

’Tis the season for Ex Pak mothers looking for the perfect daughters-in-law for their sons

My friend Minty, who lives in Missy Saga in Canada, has brought her son, Sam (vaisay tau he’s Samad) to Lahore to shop for a wife. Sam did computers from university of Make Gill and is now AI and making big celery. That also in dollars. Canadian, but still dollars.

And because Sam is very precautious and didn’t post anything about Gaza on his social media, in fact he said how sad he was about October 7, Mashallah se he’s not only kept his job but also got promotion from his Canadian boss. Also, Sam’s rich from his backside, because Minty and her husband, Pappu, have a real state ka business and three kothis and an office building in Missy Saga and two flats in Gulberg in one of those ex Paks vali apartment buildings.

Oopar se Sam has Canadian passport, which makes Sam a highly illegible bachelor. Okay, he’s only five foot three and balding and his face is as round and puffy as a phulka and he’s 29 and still lives with MummyDaddy, but still.

Samad was married to a desi khaati peeti ex Pak from Van Cougar — apparently her father was something big in sewerage there — but shaadi lasted six months only because, as Minty later discovered, girl had longtime Canadian Jewish boyfriend and parents had forced her to marry a boy from own community because ‘log kya kahain gey’.

After six months, usski bus ho gayi and she ran away with the Canadian boyfriend to Van Cougar, leaving poor Sam high and shy in Missy Saga. I don’t know ke loagon ne kya kaha tub but Minty said plenty. One of the things she said was that ex-Pak girls have no deen iman and over her dead body she will bring another one into her house.

So, now Minty’s on a mission. Every night she puts on her face, jewellery and jorras and goes searching for a suitable girl at shaadis and dholkis, with poor silent Sam in toe. I asked her what she wanted, you know, like shopping list when you go to supermarket. And she waved her hand and said, ‘Nothing much. Girl should just be well-educated, well-connected, well-mannered, well-spoken, well-turned out.’

‘And well-off?’ I asked.

‘Natch,’ she said. ‘But only so she doesn’t feel out of place in our Missy Saga set. Haan and she must be shareef and ghareloo. Like I said, nothing much.’

‘Well-educated, well-off, well-spoken, well-connected and ghareloo and shareef on top?’ I repeat karoed. Bus?’

‘That’s the least we can expect in return,’ snapped Minty. ‘Aakhir, we’ll be doing her a favour, taking her out of this dump and giving her a fab life.’

‘Vin that case Minty,’ I said, ‘don’t mind but you’re doing time waste coming to these wedding sheddings.’

‘Why? What should I be doing instead?’ she asked.

‘You should be taking spaceship with Samad and travelling back to olden days, like they do in Star Track vaghera. Well-educated ka mujhay nahin pata, but definitely you’ll find a well-connected, well-off, shareef and ghareloo type — in 1950s ka Lyallpur or maybe Mardan.’

And there and then only I made another new year’s revolution: to stay away from Ex Pak shoppers.

The writer is a columnist and a satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
X: @Moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 7th, 2024