Because Janoo is Oxen pass, recyclopedia Britanikah, I asked him ke please explain what is a ‘pre-wedding’. So Janoo said that a pre-wedding is like a super casual, private party that gora bride and groomer have the day before the proper shaadi for their closest friends.

Okay, I said, so if a desi gazillionaire has a pre-wedding then least they can do is invite their 1,500 closest friends — all of them film stars and business magnets and tech typhoons and cricketing legends and twenty-four carrot sheikhs with kingdoms and riyayas of their very own.

Natch, bhai! I mean, if your home is a 155-storey ki building, your closest friends are not going to be the aam loag type losers you went to school with for 16 years, na. It won’t even be someone you once sat next to on a flight, stuck up a conversation with and became besties afterwards. Because you only ever travel in Daddyji’s private plane and so the person sitting next to you in the golden ostrich skin bed seat is either your Mummyji or your Didi, no?

So, I fully back the way the Ambanis did their shaadi, sorry pre-shaadi. A cake the size of a bouncy castle. A necklace made of emerald paper weights. A city of hand-printed, hand-stitched tents. And Rehana. Bhai itna tau phir banta hai.

There’s much to learn from the extravaganza that was the Ambani ‘pre-wedding’

And streaming all the gaanas and bajanas and khaanas for days and days and days to whole world, so generous bhai. They are just top of the notch. Hopefully when the real wedding and rukhsati takes place, Annant and Riddaka will also share their honeymoon with us with same to same openness. Uff! Can’t wait…

Vaisay, the generosity of the Ambanis puts everyone in the shades. Even with Kate and William’s shaadi, all we had was one day only. One day kya, one afternoon only. Na koi mehndi, na koi valima, na koi mayun, na koi milad. Aur tau aur not even a destination yaar! They had it in an old girja next to Buckingham Palace. So kanjoos!

Same bore lace dress Kate wore all afternoon with just one teeny weeny tiara and little, little tops in her ears. And Queen marhooma, I think so, had lost the chaabi to her safe because she didn’t even take out her taj with the Koh-i-Noor. And Carole Middleclass — oho baba, Kate’s Ammi — looking like an airhostess in her blue fraak. The least she could have done was to get a jewel-entrusted ghagra choli made by Abu Jani Sandeep Ghausla.

And chalo aur nahin tau at least Charles and Camilla should have done one Bollywood number for their guests on a stage with golden swans. Honestly! And this was before Brexit also, when they were still rich. Really, why go to London when you have Jamnagar?

Talking of royal family, where is Kate bhai? Apparently, she had surgery and usskay baad, she just vanished into thin hair. And then they released that jhooti photo of her with the kids for Mother’s Day that they’re now pretending she edited herself only. Honestly, I’m very worried… young woman with chhotay chhotay bachay going laapata like that. I hope so she hasn’t been Disappeared. She’s tau not even PTI.

Meanwhiles, I’m so glad that Maryam Nawaz is now our Chief Minister. I don’t know anything about her policy sholicy, but I’m very impress with her designer shoes baba. Kabhi furry Gucci slippers, kabhi daimante wallay Manolo Bhai Naiks, kabhi bow waalay Farrah Gamos, kabhi H is for Hermes chappals. New new every time.

Bhai, sarrhial haters can hate but I say that she’s infected some much-needed bling in our bore lives. Also, I love that she’s always looking so cool, so calm, so collective. Majaal hai ke you ever see her frown! So sweet.

After the incident in Icchra with the halwa shirt, I’ve got very scared baba. I told Janoo please cancel all your prescriptions to Urdu newspapers just now only. Kya pata, one day you do ghaflat and a page with some Arabic writing falls to the ground, how many mullahs will barge into our kothi and clinch us there and then only?

Besides, you can get all your news from YouTube now. Nobody needs to read anything ever again. Main tau kehti hoon, books, newspapers, magazines sub ban kar do. And writing also. And most of all, Arabic writing with all its zairs, zabars and hidden dangers. Na rahe ga baans, na bajay gi baansry. Haan.

One last thing. I’m in morning. Why? Because they gave Oscar to Open Hammer and not to Barbie. Sarrhials.

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 17th, 2024