CLIFTONIA: STUDENTS OF HISTORY

Cliftonia: The Early Years A History Book For Fifth Graders By Shagufta de la Mare Single Curriculum Publishers

Chapter One

In ancient times, when horses were still waiting to be invented, a strapping young man set sail from his little village in the Bolivian Alps and landed on the shores of a mighty river located on the Google map of a land far, far away. His name was Pedro Cliftovar and he would go on to found a unique republic, endowed with a special mission.

Pedro’s father was a cobbler of exquisite designer shoes. As the name suggests, these shoes were made from the hides of exquisite designers and were popular throughout the land. His mother was a senior vice-president in the local village bank and the envy of investment bankers throughout the region. Pedro was born to this fine couple as a seven-and-a-half pound baby in the year 22 AD.

Pedro was a very athletic child and the pineapple of his mother’s eye. He loved to play Aussie Rules Football, poker, and Grand Theft Auto V. He was also history’s youngest marathon winner aspirant, with his daily calorie intake recorded meticulously on social media.

Chapter Two

Pedro succeeded in everything he did. All the obstacles that he faced, he overcame with ease, cash and his extensive network of affluent social contacts. His parents were very proud of him. As was Sir Anjum, the principal of his school, who tutored him after school hours in organic chemistry, inorganic anthropology and synthetic literature.

After completing high school, Pedro joined his mother’s bank as an intern, as was the custom in those days. However, his heart was not in it. He wanted more from a legalised money-laundering organisation than just annual seven-figure bonuses.

Eos presents excerpts from a history schoolbook in the Republic of Cliftonia

He wanted a life where he could crib and moan about being a victim, while sipping drinks with his friends on the porch of his 35-acre hacienda. He wanted a world where he would be totally unaccountable, where he could casually rip up the country’s constitution and throw it in the dustbin, without any consequences.

Chapter Three

One night after work, Pedro decided that he had had enough. He called an Uber and decided to leave his village without informing anyone, including his bootlegger. He got the driver to take him all the way across mountains and seas, rivers and forests, deserts and swamps, until they finally reached the fabled Aitchisonia River. There, he disembarked and settled what would become, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest bill ever paid for a taxi ride.

Chapter Four

“I have found the promised land,” he said to himself as he checked into Ritz Aitchisonia for the night. “This land is barren and empty. There are no natives here except for the ones who live here. It is a blank canvas, upon which I can create the kind of republic that ne’er-do-wells like me have always dreamt of,” he murmured to himself. “Also, why am I murmuring to myself,” he wondered.

The next day, Pedro took a walk around the hotel’s swimming pool. Subsequently, he strolled across the lawns and broke wind. He then went to the beach, where he saw a number of waves lapping the shore. The weather was as he had always wished for all weather to be: hot, humid and uncomfortable, just like his demeanour.

History would remember this as one of the greatest days in the remembrance of history. The world’s first Cliftonian had set foot upon a land in order to create a republic that would offer refuge, hope and salvation to whiney, well-off dual nationals from around the world.

Questions For Students

How many designers did Pedro Cliftovar’s father cobble?
How old was Pedro Cliftovar’s mother when she was promoted to senior-vice president?
How much money did Pedro Cliftovar’s mother’s bank launder annually?
At what age did Pedro Cliftovar sprout whiskers?
Why do most WhatsApp Uncles begin to describe themselves as students of history after watching Ertugrul?
What was the name of Ertugrul’s Uber driver? Was he a descendent of Pedro Cliftovar’s Uber driver?
Why do Cliftonians think they know more about other nations than those nations know about themselves?
Which famous historical figure described Cliftonian history as “the history of the moisturised, the perfumed, the deodorised and the well-coiffed”?
What are your parent’s bank account details?
How many corps must a Cliftonian command before assuming charge as the republic’s benefactor?
How many world cups must a Cliftonian win before assuming charge as the republic’s messiah?
How many khayabans must a man walk down before you call him a Cliftonian?
What is a hacienda?