Sunday, June 16, 2024, Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab:

As an immediate result of the directives issued by the Ministry of Omniscience to itself last Tuesday, a joint action committee was successfully established last Wednesday. Acting jointly, this special committee subsequently presented the government with a dynamic new plan last Thursday, to help tackle the multifarious challenges confronting it since last Friday.

Speaking to the media at a press conference held at the Ritz Aitchisonia last Saturday (also known as yesterday), Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi said that the formation of this committee is a breakthrough in evaluation, management and strategic remedial allocation techniques.

“We had tashkeeled [formed] this committee keeping in mind the many issues faced by our republic today. What this joint action committee has done is beyond our wildest expectations. And, as you know, we have always been known for our wild expectations. It has proposed the formation of an organisation, staffed by some of the most accomplished and successful individuals in all of Cliftonia, to run the country,” said Brig Niazi. 

“This organisation will oversee everything that is taking place in the country. It will be chairmanned by me but, like all good leaders, I will not be doing any of the work. Nor will I be held accountable for anything. The buck stops below me. This will ensure consistency at the top and will provide a sense of security to foreign investors,” explained Brig Niazi.

A new organisation to oversee everything in the Republic has been formed to tackle governance challenges. But can it fulfil Cliftonians’ wild expectations?

“The committee has decided to induct the creme de la sour creme of Cliftonian intellect and talent to advise and guide the various ministries on their tasks and directions. From crop yields to financial yields, experts comprising this Deluxe Politburo will respond to a wide variety of issues and prescribe immediate remedies to maladies afflicting Cliftonia,” he said.

The committee chairman also shared the names of some of the prominent members of the Deluxe Politburo with the media. 

“As indicated in the previous sentence, as committee chairman, I am going to share the names of some of the prominent members of the Deluxe Politburo with the media. They include:

“Mr Jimmy Jirga, Senior Vice President for Retail Banking, First Bank of Cliftonia, has been appointed Expert Overseer on all matters pertaining to the Cliftonia cricket team. This will include a three-year stint as the bowling and batting coach of the team. His extensive experience — as a watcher of cricket on television — has equipped him with the wherewithal necessary to guide and direct the team to success. In weekend inter-departmental matches, he has an outstanding bowling record against Amjad from the Treasury Department. As we all know, no one knows more about cricket than bankers,” said Brig Nazir.

Speaking on the occasion, Jimmy Jirga said: “It is an honour for the Cliftonian team to be mentored and coached by me. I love to swing in and out and, therefore, will ensure our bowlers become the best swingers in the business. I will also introduce them to the side-swing delivery, which I invented last weekend, while playing Cricket 99 on the PlayStation, with my six-year-old son, Yolanda.”

“I have also appointed Ms Cliftonia Ali, Features Editor and Anchorperson at Zamzama News, as Expert Overseer in-charge of the State Bank of Cliftonia. Ms Ali brings with her years of experience as

Alan Greenspan’s neighbour. She brings a journalist’s fresh eye to the ills afflicting our economy, along with her utterly gorgeous Jimmy Choos,” said the committee chairman. 

Addressing the media, Ms Ali said: “I want every poor person to wear a Jimmy Choo. That’s what I want for Cliftonia. If not now, then when? If not us, then who? Economy is all about style. It’s about time we move away from our awful Aitchisonia sandals and switch to Jimmy Choo stilettos.”

“Among our finest recruits, I have appointed National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr, Captain of the celebrated Pitthoo Garam World Cup winning team of 1992, as Expert Overseer of Parliamentary Affairs. Mr Jr has spent over two decades as a professional pitthoo garam player, having led club sides to numerous provincial titles, both in Cliftonia as well as in the beautiful lake districts of Somerset Maugham. He has also modelled for Vogue, which is more than I can say for our current prime minister,” stated Brig Niazi.

“Let’s be honest, parliamentary affairs is no rocket science. You don’t have to have special training for it, like you do for commanding a battalion or running a business or playing pitthoo garam. Any railoo katta can do it. That’s why I think I will be the best person for overseeing these affairs, because there is no one in this country who knows more about affairs than I do.

“And, if anyone claims he or she does, they are nothing but lying railoo kattas!” yelled National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr, as he stormed out of the room.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 16th, 2024