National Icon&Hope, Nazir Jr
There are so many things that I hate about you. How can I restrict myself to just 10? You see what you are trying to do? You are making me sacrifice even my hatred. How many more sacrifices must I make for this nation? Anyway, as a peace-loving mystic, I’m used to hating, so here are 10 things I hate about you:
Your betrayal.
Your know-it-all attitude, especially when you know that only I know it all. Haven’t you heard my famous quote (I even put it on my T-shirt, for God’s sake!): ‘There are many amongst us who think they know it all. By the grace of God, I am one of them.’ So how dare you act as if you are the knower of everything! And how dare I not!
Your broiler chicken! How can you eat that synthetic monster and pretend it’s real? It is as fake as my hair transplant. Desi chicken is the last refuge of a patriot like me. Be desi, eat desi… even when incarcerated by jilted lovers.
Your moustache.
Your shaved upper lip.
You denying me permission to fly to Ample Bottoms, my favorite haunt in London, where all my international, gorgeous, babydoll friends hang out on their weekend reprieves from their respective nursing homes.
Your disloyalty, even though I hated you before you hated me and vice versa. It’s called quid pro quo in French, in case you didn’t know.
Your inability to rip up and throw the Constitution in the dustbin when I asked you to. Coward.
Your intoxicating, mesmerising eucalyptus breath!
You treating me like an ordinary citizen. No one has ever done that to me. Ever!
Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi
Please see below list of hatred, as requested:
Your betrayal.
Your international, gorgeous, babydoll friends at Ample Bottoms.
You never introducing me to said international, gorgeous, babydoll friends at Ample Bottoms, despite repeated requests to do so.
Your arrogance towards the love I gave you. And continue to do so via desi chickens and gym equipment.
Your popularity.
You being right about my cowardice in not tearing up the Constitution and throwing it in the dustbin, where it truly belongs.
Your international, gorgeous, babydoll friends at Ample Bottoms.
Your ability to screw up everything that I had left unscrewed.
Your never, ever, ever offering even a tiny, stale, leftover morsel of food to any of your guests when we visited you, while you sat there right in front of us, chomping away like a famished hyena in heat!
Your international, gorgeous, babydoll friends at Ample Bottoms.
Justice Ifti 2.0, Chief Justice of the Supremes
I hereby attest that the following list of hatred is genuine and I stand by the statements contained therein:
Your betrayal.
Your uncalled for suo motos.
Your deafening silence when suos needed to be motoed.
Your Don Corleone-like penchant for crime thrillers.
You never taking me out for dinner, even when I clearly said so in my judgments.
Your eggs Benedict Arnold.
Your contempt for Diana Ross and the Supremes.
Your ability to win all your arguments with the barrel of an AK-47.
Your reluctance to introduce me to your international, gorgeous, babydoll friends.
Your publicly mocking my wig-and-robe summer wardrobe.
Mullah Do Piazza, Aalim-i-Dean Martin
We pray that all those who find the following list disagreeable rot in the bowels of hell.
Your betrayal.
Your cowardice in shredding the Constitution into pieces whenever we ask you to. Pooja, what is this behaviour?
Your secularistic attitude towards sinners.
You refusing to enjoy what we are doing to you after breaking the shackles of our slavery.
Your unwillingness to introduce me to your international, gorgeous, babydoll sinners.
Your hesitation in sharing your bottles of honey with us.
Your shaving kit.
Your lenient blasphemy laws.
Your spinelessness in not representing us when we specifically chose you to be our representative. Aida tu anti-establishment revolutionary… darpok jeya!
You not giving us enough curriculums to single.
Anchorperson Cliftonia Ali of Zamzama TV
Hateful! Disgusting! Vile! This list of hate is proof that hating each other is the only way to our salvation! So join me as I broadcast this bulletin of hate!
Your betrayal!
This is the second hateful thing I hate about you!
Your audacity to ask me if I am a Youtube monetiser or a journalist just because I am a Youtube monetiser and not a journalist!
Your hatred for my ratings hero, Oreo Maqbool John!
This is the fifth hateful thing I hate about you!
You asking me who my sponsors are!
My sponsors asking me the names, telephone numbers and house addresses of all those asking who my sponsors are!
You not having a bathtub large enough for me to lie in!
Your thumbs!
This is the tenth hateful thing I hate about you!
Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, July 14th, 2024
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