Dear Auntie,
I am a recently appointed MBBS doctor in my village in Sindh. While at university, I fell in love with a girl from another province, and she reciprocated my feelings. Our relationship continued until I graduated. After graduation, I spoke to my family about her. My mother agreed to our marriage, but my father initially did not. However, I eventually convinced my family.

When I informed the girl about the situation and that she would need to live with me in my village after marriage, she refused. Consequently, our relationship ended. Two years later, I fell in love with a girl from my village, who is also my cousin and a doctor. I spoke to my family about her.

In our village, we have the culture of ‘exchange marriages.’ This means that my sister would marry the bride’s brother while I marry the girl. My family approached her family with this ‘exchange marriage’ proposal, but they refused without providing any reason.

‘I Am Being Forced Into An ‘Exchange Marriage’’

Now, my family is persuading me to marry my maternal aunt’s daughter, because her family has agreed to the ‘exchange marriage’. However, she is uneducated, and I am concerned about how this relationship would work, given our different educational backgrounds.

I am now 32 years old and the pressure is mounting. I am feeling depressed and in need of a solution.
Feeling the Pressure 

Hello there Feeling the Pressure,
Balancing family expectations and personal desires is never easy, especially where age-old cultural practices are involved. 

To resolve your issues, take some time to think about what you truly want in a wife. You have some idea, but think about it some more. Consider your values, goals and the qualities that are important to you. This will help you make a decision that aligns with your long-term happiness.

It is time to have an honest conversation with your family about your concerns. In traditional set-ups, sometimes it is not easy to have this conversation, but you need to take the bull by its horns, because the qualities of your spouse-to-be is a matter that is important to you. Tell your family why the educational background of your potential spouse is a crucial matter and how it could impact your future together.  

Look for ways to reach a middle ground with your family.

For instance, you might suggest finding a partner who, while maybe not as educated as you, shares similar values and goals. This could make it easier for both you and your family to be happy with the decision. You could also seek the advice of a trusted relative or family friend, who can provide you an outsider’s perspective and possibly support you as you navigate this situation

In the meantime, make sure you take care of your mental health. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that help reduce stress. This will also help you make sound decisions. Marriage should be carefully thought through, so don’t rush it because of external pressures. It’s important to find a partner who will be compatible with you.

I truly hope you find a solution that balances your desires with family expectations and which leads to your long-term happiness and well-being.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 21st, 2024