Thanks God it wasn’t one of us who tried to get Trump on his golf course. And thanks God it wasn’t us who shot Trump two months ago. Remember, when he went about looking like Van Cough for a few days, with that big white patti on his orange ear? Haan, then.

By ‘us’, you know who I’m meaning, na? Pakistani. Muslim. And sub se worst combo: Pakistani Muslim. God alone knows what would have happened to all of us, if it had been one of us. They tau only need an excuse to hate us na, and go after us with bombs and drawns, and then turn around and say that we are violent and larraaka, and the only language we understand is violence.

I want to tell them we understand Urdu also, and English, and voh bhi Convent of Jesus and Mary kay standard ki. Which is more than I can say for Trump, who can’t even speak English theek se. Jee haan. Sometimes I miss Marhooma Queen so much. How nicely she spoke English! Like me, she must have been Convent educated also, with Irish nuns and all teaching her to say gloo-cose instead of gulu-cose. Takes one to know one.

Janoo says Islamophobia is to Americans now what communism was to them in times of Ray Gun. Khair, communism tau I don’t remember at all, except that there was this Russian man called Gobi Chef, who everyone says brought it down. Apparently, he also brought down some wall in Germany. Though what a Russian man was doing pulling down walls in Germany, God only knows. Must have been head of some qabza group only.

Amid a flurry of stinging developments, Butterfly waxes philosophical on what is and could have been…

All I remember about Ray Gun is that he had black patient leather hair and a big grin. Janoo says someone tried to shoot Ray Gun also. Again, thanks God it wasn’t one of us.

Vaisay, Janoo says, in Ray Gun’s time, they didn’t have problem with us. We, in fact, were their favourites back then, because we were fighting communism in Afghanistan for them, na. We and Gen Zia and the mujahideen and Osama bin Laden. All favourites. Back then, only problems were Iranians.

And Palestinians, obviously. They tau also have been problem. That they exist at all is a problem. And later, Saddam Hussain. He used to be one of their besties when he was fighting Iran, but he became a bit of a problem baad mein. And we all know how that ended.

But Janoo says we are just a distraction. Their real problem is actually, actually China. That’s Number One on their hate list. Number Two is Puting, voh Russia wala. And down at Number Three is us. Thanks God for small messies. I’d hate to be anyone’s Number Two. Even Kamila Haaris’s.

Vaisay, talking of America and all, suna hai, IMF ka lone is coming through. Suna hai, stork market has risen. So have electricity bills, which are going to sky rocket soon. IMF ki condition hai bhai. That, and more taxes also. In that case, I might as well get on to a sky rocket and shoot off into outer space from now only. Because I don’t know how I’m going to afford to pay for the running of even two ACs next summers. I mean, Janoo’s lands shands can only produce so much.

We’ll probably have to go back to Olden Times style sleeping, you know, with the whole family on gaddas on the floor in one air-conditioned room? Like desi labourers sleep in Dubai and Qatar and all, cheek by howl.

Or we’ll have to sleep on charpais out in the open, like Mummy and Aunty Pussy used to in the Dark Ages. Except that there were no daakus back then. Nowadays, you’d probably get murdered in the night sleeping in your garden. If not by daakus, then definitely by dengue kay machhars.

Oopar se, we’ve gone and lost at cricket to Bangladesh. Dekho zara! What a slap in the face. Losing to the Bengalis. Again! Even worse than the slap that Kausar Kazmi administered to PTI’s Azhar Siddiqui on TV. Honestly!

Only silver lining is the news that we might have lots of oils and gas in our sea. If the oils are there, then we will all become rich and I won’t have to take sky rocket into outer space, and I’ll be able to run 10, 10 ACs together, without caring even this much about bijli ka bill.

And once we’ve found oil, I bet you we will become Favourites of America again. Like some other sandy type oily countries I could mention. But won’t.

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 22nd, 2024