Honestly, it was so touchy of Noble Prize givers to give Peace Prize to Japani survivors of the atom bomb. Such shweetoos they are. Imagine! Remembering them again after blowing them up all those years ago. They’ve given the prize to the few who weren’t blown up or julloed from the bomb and are still around.

If I’d been in their place, I’d have been scared. Do they want to bomb me again, I’d have thought. Apparently, Japani survivor, when he heard, he started crying, but not about himself, but about Gaza. Why don’t you give it to Gazans, he sobbed, who are being bombed right now.

I think so, he didn’t get the memo that you’re not allowed to talk about Gaza to goras. You are anti-semantic, if you mention Gaza. Which means you hate all Jews. Even Scarlett Johnson and Harrison Ford Mobile. Or maybe the Japani survivor got the memo, but he’s so old that he didn’t read it properly. Maybe like Mummy, he’d misplaced his reading glasses.

But it’s okay, maybe in 50 years’ time, they will also give a Noble Peace Prize to the survivors of Gaza — if there are any left by the time Netan Yahoo-hoo and buddha Biden are done with them. A little bit like Nelson Medallion, who the goras said was a terrorist, when he was fighting for his people’s freedom.

Here’s to hoping Gazans be as lucky as Japanese nuclear bomb survivors in 50 years

Vaisay, one thing I’ve noticed about goras: how much they boast about their own fight for freedom against Hitler (in which a million of us died fighting for their freedom) and how much they hate it if anyone else fights for their freedom. Like, only they deserve freedom. No one else.

Janoo says Medallion’s name was removed from the US terrorist suspect list only in 2008. Meanwhiles, they’d given him the Noble Peace Prize and invited him for dinner to the White House and unwailed a ten-foot statute of him in Washington. But officially, he was still a terrorist.

Talking of shweetoos, Zakir Naik — oho baba, the Indian mullah from KL — is visiting and saying such shweet, shweet things about women and PIA. First, he threw a bit of a trantrump about not being allowed to bring 1000 kilos of luggage into Pakistan bilkul free. He says all he’s interested in is a ‘passport to jannat’, but it seems he also wants free travel to Pakistan. When PIA said no (about the luggage, not about heaven), he sulked and whined that India would have done it for him, khushi khushi. Same India he fled because he is wanted for God knows what all crimes there.

Then, when people got angry on social media, he immediately backed down and said he didn’t want to compare Pakistan to India and cause any tension between the two countries. As if he’s a missile or something… Then, to make himself even more popular, he said unmarried women should either become second, third wives of married men or become bazaari auratein.

I must tell Aunty Pussy. With poor Uncle Cock-Up being so ill and all, she better line up a taker for herself quickly — a shareef, khaata peeta, God-fearing elderly man. As long as it’s not Daddy. I don’t think so Mummy will like. Maybe Zakir sahib himself can oblige? After all, he must be carrying several burrees in his thousand kilo luggage, no? A few saris, a few handbags, some haars, a designer jorra or two in his dozens of suitcases. And I’m sure his wife won’t mind. After all, if it’s okay for other wives, it must also be okay for herself, no?

But let’s talk about nicer things. More fun things, you know. No, not the bomb in Karachi, that they first tried to pretend was a tanker blast. Nor that the inner net is down again. And I can’t post my selfies in my new ruby necklace from Goldsmith to saarho all my friends. Nor that we lost in cricket again. And again.

Let’s talk, instead, about nice, nice things, like the SCO Summit, for which the whole of Isloo was in lockdown for three days. To which Indian foreign ministry man came, but said there would no baat cheet on the sidelines. By sidelines, I think so, he means main line, which is Pak-Hind dosti. China premier also came, apparently, which was a bit embarrassing, because two Chinese men were killed in the Karachi blast, na.

But the Lahore Biennale went off without a pitch, even though foreigners were not there like before. And Saudis and Emiratis have promised lots of investment, Janoo says. When, I asked. He said, whenever. He said they’re ruled by kings. Kings do what they like, when they like. I think so, Zakir sahib must be thinking he’s a king also. One who can rule women and PIA.

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 20th, 2024