National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr — supreme leader, cultist icon, moral compass, deluxe babydoll, social influencer: “It has been a year of revolution and revolt. Confinement did not stop me from being as revolting as I possibly could be. It’s been a year of working out, both physically and intellectually. I have read everything ever written by great minds, such as work by my friend Doland Trump, his compadre JD Vancelot and my brother Zakudeen Goldsmith. Their worldview never ceases to amaze me. And to amaze someone as unamazeable as me takes a lot of intellectual doing, so huzzah to them! To all my supporters and lovers: may your children grow up to be just as wonderful as these inspirational heroes.

“This year I also pressed a lot of benches during my daily workout sessions. I meditated myself to complete zendom when no one was looking. I moderately enlightened myself three times a day and fasted as intermittently as I could. I achieved more nirvana than anyone in the history of nirvana (including Kurt Cobain) has ever achieved and became full of compassion, mercy, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, and acceptance… all the qualities my posse (mentioned earlier) are renowned for. 

“I also ate broccoli for the first time and found it to be vile, just like my enemies. 

“I missed partying with my Caucasian friends on their islands in the Bahamas.

“And finally, the one affirmation that I religiously imbibed on a daily basis and which has always stood me in good stead as an egoless malang: I still know better than everyone.”

Eminent Cliftonians (as if there are any other kind) reminisce about the past 12 months and where the year gone by has taken them…

Cliftonia Ali — political scion, media personality, documentary filmmaker, social media influencer, and homeopath: “The last 365 days have been a whirlwind for me, to be honest. I’ve been so busy, so busy, so busy that I haven’t had a chance to sit down and take stock of what what’s been happening and what what’s still pending.

“My political role has kept me so engaged, so engaged, so engaged with travelling and work meetings and airplanes and protocols and power-point presentations and billboards with my name on them and what’s new on Netflix and Abbaji’s mood swings and this crazy, crazy, crazy smog all over Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab and the resultant scratchy throat and this persistently, nasty, short and brutish cough!

“The year has been a blur and a half and the way things are going, I have a strong feeling that the coming months will be even blurrier! So if I don’t see anyone from my newly acquired rose-tinted YSL sunglasses, it’s not because I don’t want to see you, it’s just that I thankfully can’t. One day, when the smog clears and Abbaji and I are back enjoying high tea at Harrods, we will definitely see all those who we couldn’t see last year…. I promise to you!”

Gen GHQ — master of all that needs to be surveyed, social influencer: “The last year was fruitful as everything that was planned was achieved. Regards.”

Jimmy Jirga — investment banker, brunch specialist, historian, political analyst, social influencer, multiple passport holder, clairvoyant, expatriate: “This year has been a struggle and a constant battle with existential issues. I wonder what the meaning of life is. As William Henry Davies so pertinently asked: ‘What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.’ Exactly! I want time to stare. I’m a starer… a starer… no, not a stalker, but a starer!

“Davies reminds us that we have no ‘time to stand beneath the boughs. And stare as long as sheep or cows.’ Once again, spot on! I want to be a sheep. I want to be a cow, so I can also stare standing underneath the bough. Or anywhere for that matter. I must be allowed to stare at anyone and anything, anywhere. The past months have denied me the opportunity to stare to my heart’s desire. It might be creepy stalker syndrome to all those liberal-leftie loser women minority types, but it is my basic constitutional right as a human man (also sheep and cow!). Let me stare… let me stare to my heart’s desire, goddammit!

Mullah Do Piazza — scholar, moralist, secret clubber, social influencer: By the grace of the Almighty, I had a lovely year, filled with chaos, instability, dodgy constitutional amendments, and the devilishly grey smog of self-righteousness and rectitude. As you know, I am known throughout the republic as a hoper and this year, too, I will continue to behave as a hoper and hope for same to same to occur so that my future remains smoggy and secured. Aameen. 

Mian Anwar Awanfeld — politician, grand dynast, gourmand de Gawalmandi, social influencer: “Thanks God, I’m back in the Harrods. See you next year (maybe).”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 1st, 2024