Dear Auntie,
I am mentally sick at present. I am a Central Superior Services (CSS) aspirant and have been preparing for it for more than three years now. I am also an avid reader with a sound intellect. I can discuss philosophy and literature at great length.

However, my inability to regulate emotions in challenging and difficult situations leaves me totally confused as to what to do. Every time I happen to fall in such a situation, I find escape in porn. Yes, you heard right! I have become an addict. Although I am aware of the fact that pornography exploits and objectifies women and impacts men’s mental health badly, I fail at quitting it.

Consequently, despite my CSS attempt being round the corner, I am unable to maintain focus on studies. Regrettably, I am having the worst time now. It will sound tragic, but I have had multiple moments that have provoked me to end my life. I didn’t do it because I love my wife. She is everything to me. 

Therefore, please help me resolve the problem of poor regulation of emotions and sex addiction. 
Addicted

‘I Can’t Control My Emotions or My Porn Addiction’

Dear Addicted
It takes courage to talk about such deeply personal struggles and I admire you for taking this step. You’re clearly an intelligent and self-aware person and, even though you’re feeling trapped, acknowledging your situation is a huge first step towards taking control of your life.

Emotional regulation is a skill; it is usually not something one is born knowing. While some people are naturally better at managing stress, anyone can learn to handle their emotions. Consider practising mindfulness techniques. There are plenty of apps and even YouTube tutorials that can teach you how to stay present and process your emotions without getting overwhelmed. 

Another thing that is very useful is journalling. Many people avoid this, because they don’t like writing. However, it is a great way to externalise your feelings. Write down whatever is triggering you and how you respond to it. You don’t have to show it to anyone. Over time, this can help you identify patterns.

Porn addiction is real and, like any addiction, it’s not easy to overcome. You need to start seeing it as a coping mechanism rather than the root problem. You’re turning to porn as an escape. Think about what feelings or situations lead you to seek this escape and find healthier ways to respond. Whenever you feel the urge, substitute it with something constructive. For example, go for a walk, call a friend or even do a quick physical workout.

Share your struggles with someone you trust: whether it’s your wife, a close friend or even a professional therapist. Speaking about it can alleviate the shame that often feeds addictive behaviours. Therapy, in particular, can be life-changing and a professional will really be able to guide you.

Finally, remember that your worth isn’t defined by your setbacks. You’re preparing for the CSS exam, which is no small feat. In addition to this, it is important that you know that it’s okay to stumble — it’s part of being human. When you feel overwhelmed, focus on small victories. Commit to a single day of productive study, choosing something healthy over harmful, or even a few minutes of breathing deeply. Over time, these small steps will add up.

You mentioned your wife is everything to you. Hold on to that. Talk to her about how you’re feeling, if you can. You don’t have to face this alone. One step at a time.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 22nd, 2024