Come the new year, the guardians of the galaxy have decided to forge ahead with their decades-long, well-thought-out and gluten-free plan to restructure society and implement changes, that will not only benefit the gorgeous and fragrantly deodorised citizens of the Republic of Cliftonia, but also all those patriotic dual-nationals of Cliftonian origin who are currently ensconced in the outer reaches of the Andromeda Galaxy.

Manufactured by a radically extreme (and extremely radical) and, therefore, highly-respected think-tank steeped in the core values of Cliftonianism, the sacred document, entitled Projectile 2025, was commissioned by the deep establishment to instil revolutionary anti-establishmentarianism amongst the general populace, so that the populace can accustom itself to being led by those who know it better than it knows itself.

Some of the salient points listed in the document include:

Declaration No.1/A

“Only knowers of the best will/shall/can/must lead and run the affairs of the universe (which includes, but is not limited to, nation-states, physical states, educational states, drunken states and emotional states).”

Declaration No.1583.298/D

From billionaire BFFs to galaxy-wide elections decided before votes are cast, here is a sacred blueprint for Cliftonia’s cosmic utopia. Resistance, as they say, is futile — or else

“Moringa bread to replace moringa rice across all galaxies by 1600 hrs next Wednesday. Or else.”

Declaration No.5382.534/H

“All local, provincial, state, national, international, solar systemic, galactic and universal elections to be virtually conducted and decided prior to the act of staging actual local, provincial, state, national, international, solar systemic, galactic and universal elections. This is to ensure smooth transitions and guaranteed best results.”

Declaration No.8204.202/C

“An orange tan is the new black.”

Declaration No.3247.117/X

“White-skinned bigots — rich in racism, hatred and cash — to be admired and emulated by brown-skinned Cliftonians across the galaxies.”

Declaration No.9042.152/J

“Billionaires are our best-friends-forever, because they do not lie, cheat, break the law, put innocent lives at risk or take advantage of people. These noble visionaries create and sustain civilisations.”

Declaration No.9039.732/S

“Private gym equipment is a must for all those detained as a result of fake news or fake watches or fake £190 million favours or fake revolutions.”

Declaration No.7628.335/Y

“Those who want, can. Those who can, must. Those who must, do. And those who do, shouldn’t.”

Declaration No.5289.204/E

“All property to be declared private (with mandatory ‘Beware of Dog’ sign attached), regardless of need, use, intent, purpose and geography. Or else.”

Declaration No.6922.482/F

“A new amendment to be inserted into the galactic constitution, declaring all cantonments as provinces. These new, beautifully-organised, tree-lined provinces to receive their fair share of the national budget, as dictated by the 18th Amendment. Or else.”

 Declaration No.7204/890/G

“Gladiator III to be shot in the Republic of Cliftonia, as our land is blessed with an abundance of strong, courageous, macho, corporate he-men, well-versed in the art of warfare, statecraft, and global, galactic and universal politics, as well as the history of Genghisian Mongolia, Baburian Uzbekistan, Ertugrulian Turkey, Post-WWI borders of Germany, Post-WWII borders of Japan and the boundless glory of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab.”

Declaration No.9039.732/S

“All the single ladies in the galaxy must wear long-sleeved shirts, if they know what’s good for them. Extensive research conducted by galactic men has shown that they — ie galactic men — are hot-blooded males and not robots (despite what C-3PO says), and can not be held responsible for their actions.”

Declaration No.4280.738/K

“All newborn babies to be tanned orange, regardless of their country/planet of origin.”

Declaration No.7392.821/G

“To honour true heroines, all female babies to be christened Margaret’s Thatcher, regardless of their country/planet of origin.”

Declaration No.9092.720/I

“To honour true heroes, all male babies to be christened Andrew’s Tate, Donald’s Trump or Elon’s Musk, regardless of their country/planet of origin.”

Declaration No.5290.341/Q

“Gigantic space walls to be built all across the universe to keep illegal aliens away.”

Declaration No.2091.332/Z

“Commencing May 2025, corruption to be declared the new Covid-19. A special vaccine to fight Corrvid-25 to be made mandatory for all, except Cliftonian individuals who have been blessed by the Divine with an in-built immunity that resists all forms of corruption, Alhamdulillah.”

 Declaration No.4109.229/R

“Watermelons to be banned. Or else.”

Declaration No.5920.889/T

“Liberal artists to be re-trained as STEMists and put to work in real jobs, as defined by our Cliftonian forefathers and their ancestral board of governors before them.”

Declaration No.3109.104/B

“Plaid flannel shirts to be redesigned by Calvin’s Klein, so that union members can be made to look presentable while negotiating with St Jeff’s Bezos.”

Declaration No.2982.339/W

“All the colours of the rainbow to be banned. Or else.”

Declaration No.4420.938/M

“Each day to contain 12 seasons, with each season consisting of 360 minutes and each minute providing at least 37.5 miles to the gallon.”

Declaration No.1930.839/N

“Every glass of fresh orange juice offered to guests at the Cliftonian Ministry of Foreign Affairs to be served with an extra dose of vitamin C to help boost diplomatic immunity.” 

Declaration No.9204.757/F

“Cliftonian unaccountability to be made de rigueur throughout the universe. Or else.”

Declaration No.8204.538/O

“All constitutions to be suspended, amended and/or held in abeyance, until the guardians of the galaxy decide to direct another blockbuster movie.”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram: @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 29th, 2024