Dear Auntie,
I got married in 2020. Unfortunately, the marriage ended within a week, as my then-wife decided she didn’t want to continue. 

Now, at 42, I am well-established and feel ready to move forward. However, I find myself unable to take the step due to the lingering trauma from that experience. Being an only child of parents who are now senior citizens with a strong desire to see me settled, adds to my sense of urgency. 

Out of fear of experiencing loss again, I’ve distanced myself from pursuing a relationship. How can I move past this fear and open myself up to meaningful connections?
Thank you,
Someone In Need of Direction

‘I Can’t Move Forward from My Divorce’

Dear Someone in Need of Direction,
It takes courage to share your story and a marriage ending so abruptly can scar you, so no surprise that the trauma has lingered. Emotional wounds, similar to what you have experienced, don’t heal overnight, so your feelings of vulnerability are to be expected.

The positive thing is that you are now thinking about your future, which shows that you are ready to move forward, even if you are scared to do so. It seems you still need to process the pain of your past. I would strongly recommend that you work through your emotions with a professional therapist, which will help you unpack the fears and anxieties.

Also, start thinking about what you want from a relationship in the future. Sometimes trauma can impact your ability to see what a healthy partnership looks like. So start thinking about the values and qualities you’re looking for in a partner. This will help you feel more confident when you meet someone who aligns with your vision.

The idea of diving into a new relationship can be overwhelming. Don’t pressure yourself to take a big step right away. Start with baby steps. Reconnect with your friends and your wider social circle, or explore new interests where you can meet people. These situations will help you make connections, but also not put you under too much pressure straight away.

When you are ready to explore a relationship, try to be honest about your past and your hopes for the future. When you are vulnerable with people, it often helps with forming a more meaningful connection. Basically, the right person will respect you and appreciate that you are being honest.

Next, focus on your fear. Instead of looking for reasons to step back when things look tough, look for reasons to move forward and take risks. No one knows what is going to happen, but we still wake up and face our challenges every single day. Similarly, every relationship involves some uncertainty, but it also carries the possibility of finding joy and fulfilment.

 Your parents are coming from a place of love when they express their desire to see you settled. However, ultimately, this is your journey. Take things at a pace that feels right for you, even if you feel that you need to do things quickly because of age or parents.  

With time and patience, I hope you will find a meaningful connection.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 5th, 2025