Listen better, connect deeper

Published January 25, 2025
Illustration by Sumbul
Illustration by Sumbul

People want to be heard. There is no denying that. Every person in this world wants to be recognised and loved for who they are. People also share to lessen the burden on their hearts and to process their emotions.

Just because you’re listening to someone talk doesn’t make you a listener. In order to listen, you need to open yourself and receive what the other person says. Imagine you are feeling overwhelmed and want to burst open, you go to your bedroom and start talking to the walls of your room about your worries. Will it make you feel better?

No, it won’t. That’s because you know that a wall won’t care about your troubles and problems. That’s what makes therapists and empaths stand apart from normal people. Why do you feel more comfortable sharing your problems with some people and not others? Because some people listen and some just hear.

Subtle signs of a poor listener

Constantly interrupting: A sign that one might be a poor listener is that they interrupt. Sometimes when the other person is trying hard to express how they feel, interrupting might make them feel frustrated. When you interrupt and suggest stuff before the other person is finished, you are assuming you already know what the other person means. That can make the person feel upset, breaking their train of thoughts and making them feel misunderstood.

Eyes and expressions talk: Your brain is connected to your body. When the brain is disinterested in the conversation, your body exhibits certain behaviours. We all have come across a time when we are talking and the other person looks as if he is lost in his own world.

Also, you might have noticed that some people stop talking when the other person checks their phone or shifts their gaze to something else. That’s because your words are not being received.

Judgemental responding: Bad listeners judge because they are not open to new ideas and fail to put themselves in other person’s shoes. For example, if someone is expressing their grief for their lost pet fish, a response that would really hurt is, “Is there any point of crying over a fish’s death?”

This is known as a judgemental response. When listening, you need to put aside your beliefs and see the world through the eyes of the person speaking to you. Think about how you would feel when you lost something you love and then proceed to respond accordingly.

You are not present: Let’s face it: the worst feeling is when someone is narrating their feelings to you and then they ask you something related to it and you respond with “I’m sorry, what?” This hurts. It makes them feel irrelevant.

When you are not willing to listen, you don’t listen. It’s just like when you don’t want to focus on a lecture, you end up not understanding it.

How to become a better listener?

Better listening is, in fact, about respecting others when they are speaking. Instead of viewing it as a chore, remind yourself that by listening, you are showing respect — an essential goal of any conversation, regardless of how uninteresting the topic may seem.

Improve your focus: It might be hard, but when you listen carefully to someone, they feel important. Improve your focus by practicing limiting your distractions. Turn off your gadget and try to focus on what the other person says.

Say the right words: After they are done, you could even ask questions. Remember, asking questions shows that you are attentive. Rather than asking closed response questions, ask open ended questions like ‘How do you feel?’ or ‘What makes you so depressed about it?’; but questions like ‘Are you happy now?’ are closed.

Open-ended questions help the other person navigate their emotions well, adding depth into the conversation. You could even ask questions for clarification like, ‘Did I get this right?’ Or ‘Are you trying to say…?’, etc.

At the end, you could summarise whatever the other person said to show that you are present like “So what you really want to say is that…” or “So you are feeling…”. Although it is preferable to hold any piece of advice back in sensitive conversations because most people just want to talk or share about their feelings.

Illustration by Aamnah Arshad
Illustration by Aamnah Arshad

When offering advice, use such expressions like, ‘Have you considered?’, ‘Some people find it helpful…’ rather than offering a judgemental response. For example, ‘Exercising daily are also good option of…’ rather than ‘If you would just stop watching TV and start moving around …’, etc.

Sometimes the other person might not be ready to consider advice if they don’t have the same view. Asking if the other person want advice or not is also helpful.

Other than polishing your personality as a listener, improving our focus can offer a helping hand in many aspects, like learning and exploring new ideas, which will make you a highly observant and focused person.

Control how you behave: Studies show that only seven percent of communication is based on words, while 93 percent is based on tone and body language.

‘Wow!’ can have so many meanings depending on how it is said. It could be a sarcastic reply or a compliment or even an empty praise. In the same way, if you cross your arms when someone is talking, it might make them feel judged. Your eyes also matter. Hence, it is important to improve your body language and tone.

You body language speaks loudly: Keep your voice low and light while engaging in a conversation. Maintain an open posture. Don’t cross your arms or divert your gaze elsewhere. This can make you look disinterested and unfocused. Face the person you are talking to and make eye contact. Make sure that you blink so that it looks natural. Staring is different from making effective eye contact.

Take part in meaningful conversations: Be respectful of what the other person says or suggests. Agree to whatever right thing or a point that the other person makes. Focus on retaining new ideas and perspectives in an argument and be open. Stay positive while communicating even if the other person loses their calm. Focus on understanding rather than winning the argument. In this way, you can ultimately be a better listener and retain new ideas.

Perks of being a good listener

Better personality: A good listener is reliable supportive and trustworthy. They are trusted confidants and make great friends. They are loved by everyone and are appreciated for their empathetic and supportive nature. Good listeners foster a better cognitive ability, which means they are great problem solvers. They are also gifted with excellent memory.

Stronger bonds: According to a research conducted by the University of California, active listening can reduce conflicts and improve relationships. Good listeners care about others and their worries. That is why people like them so much. Because their ability to understand, they win hearts and form stronger bonds.

Quick learning: By listening to others effectively, one can come across excellent ideas. This will broaden one’s horizon and the listener will ultimately become a wiser person. A person who actively listens to others is the one who gets to know about unique and different things, and comes across various perspectives. They retain all that knowledge, which ultimately makes them a more creative and imaginative version of themselves.

Great expression: Good listeners are better at expressing themselves — which means that they have excellent speaking skills due to their good observation. They are able to share their point of view and feelings effectively and nicely. Hence, active listening inculcates better expression.

They are understood: It is said that “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Since good listeners tend to understand others, they are understood by others easily as well. When people feel heard and valued, they are more likely to make an effort to try to understand others in return. Also clear communication fosters trust and reliability, and people try to consider a listeners’ point of view.

An average person uses 1 hour 50 minutes on social media daily. An average family spends only 49 minutes together. Over 22 percent people around the globe feel existentially lonely.

Social media has made humankind more connected. In fact, social media has made us all so connected, so together, that deep inside we all feel alone and unheard. We are so busy looking down we have forgotten to look up and around, share a whispered secret, a story witnessed or a dream altogether.

Texting a few emojis over Instagram isn’t what brings smiles. It’s the touching of hearts through words of love and compassion. The gushing of sentiments in the ticker isn’t awoken by scrolling through YouTube but rather offering a helping hand or a listening ear.

Hence, put aside your phone and look around. Does your sister need someone to talk to about her worries? Or your grandparents want to share a story? Sometimes all it takes is someone who is willing to lend an ear, give a hug or hold a hand to repair the cracks in a broken mirror.

Published in Dawn, Young World, January 25th, 2025

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