The Cliftonian Leader
A Textbook for Children
in Grade Two
By Rebecca de Chandio
Single Curriculum Publishers

Chapter One
The Cliftonian leader is the most wonderful thing ever created in the universe. The Cliftonian leader is always a hero. Sometimes he has a moustache. Sometimes he has a beard. Sometimes he is orange. Sometimes he is not. But whatever he chooses to have or not have, be or not be, he is always handsome and deodorised. All good children across the world love him dearly.

The Cliftonian leader is always a man. This is because, as a leader of billions, he has to be the strongest person in the world. And only men are the strongest people in the world. This is the law of the universe. It is also the law of civilisation. Women are also strong, but they can only be strong in their own kitchens, while men can be the strongest anywhere they want. Even in space. This is why Cliftonian leaders are always men.

Chapter Two

The Cliftonian leader is a big boy bully. He likes to yell and shout at the little guy. He also likes to flex his muscles at the weak. This helps him in bullying. Other Cliftonian men support him and stand beside him and applaud him as he arm-wrestles babies and calls their mamas rude names.

As a real man, the Cliftonian leader has a tendency to insult anyone he does not like or who disagrees with him. He can do so because he knows that his followers will enjoy seeing him use bad words in the media. Even though Cliftonian parents tell their children not to use bad words, they admire this behaviour in their heroes and leaders. This often confuses their children, who rightly see their parents as lying hypocrites.

Excerpts from Rebecca de Chandio’s textbook for children detailing the virtues of the leader who is always a hero…

Chapter Three

The Cliftonian boy always aspires to be a Cliftonian leader when he grows up. He hears his parents wax lyrical about Sufi values of unconditional love, tolerance, acceptance and inclusion without judgement, while he sees them worshipping Cliftonian leaders who constantly judge others, who practise hate towards all those different from them and who do not tolerate any opinions other than their own.

As mentioned above, this leaves the Cliftonian boy in a state of total confusion. Luckily though, the Cliftonian boy usually finds help at the Church of St Andrew’s Tate, which guides him back to the macho path of self-righteousness.  

Chapter Four

The Cliftonian leader shows his respect towards women by telling them what to wear when they step out of their homes. This protects them from those men who are not robots. The Cliftonian leader also insists that he will be the protector of women, whether the women like it or not. Strong, educated Cliftonian women appreciate such sentiments and turn out in large numbers to vote for the Cliftonian leader.

Chapter Five

Like all superheroes, the Cliftonian leader is also a multimillionaire. This is because he is a best friend’s best friend. He not only helps his best friends make money, but also allows his best friends to pay for his meals and electricity bills and give him surprise gifts, such as cash, apartments, land and, sometimes, even universities! The Cliftonian leader is loved for his honesty by Cliftonian fathers and mothers, who see themselves reflected in him.

Chapter Six

The Cliftonian leader is a revolutionary. A Cliftonian revolutionary is someone who wants to revolute. He is also revolting. That is why strongmen Cliftonian leaders — from Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab to the Ganges, from the Mississippi to the Volga — are revolting in their own unique ways and are appreciated by beautifully fragranced and adequately moisturised Cliftonian mummies and daddies all over the world.

Chapter Seven

The Cliftonian leader does not waste time listening to anyone who is weak, small, powerless or poor. He believes empathy in a human being is a sign of weakness. Cliftonian parents should ensure that their children adopt the same apathetic attitude towards the weak, the small, the powerless and the poor as the strong Cliftonian leader, if they do not wish to be seen as hypocrites by their children.

Chapter Eight

The patriotism and loyalty of the Cliftonian leader cannot be doubted just because he and his dual-national family members live here and there as well.

Questions for Students:

1. Are your parents dual-national patriots?

1. How often does your Sufi father bully the weak at his workplace?

3. How revolting do you have to be to become a Cliftonian leader?

1. How often does your father force your mother to stay at home to protect her whether she likes it or not?

2. Why can’t girls grow up to become Cliftonian leaders?

3. Is it important to be orange in order to become a successful Cliftonian leader?

4. What do you want to become when you grow up: a Cliftonian leader or a human being?

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 23rd, 2025