Take any household. Either the husband's belittling the wife or the mother-in-law's bad mouthing the daughter-in-law or the mom's bellowing at the kids or cursing the maids. At the workplace, the boss may subtly berate a subordinate with a public taunt; in a friends' gathering, one ringleader gives himself the license to ridicule any one of his peers, while others laugh along.

We consider abuse in terms of physically battering someone but abuse is any tactic used to exert power over someone by the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, or manipulation. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

“The sad thing is that emotional abuse is so common that we don't even realise that we're being abused,” says psychologist, Marya Mustansir.

“My mother-in-law always insinuates that whatever I do is never good enough,” says Rana, mother of three. “She tries to run me down in everything, be it in the kitchen or arranging a dinner for friends.” Even though, after 10 years of marriage, Rana has accepted that nothing will please her husband's mother, yet her constant jibes and disapproving body language have taken their toll on her. “I've become used to being constantly vigilant and alert at all times. I cringe at making mistakes and have become my greatest critic. It's exhausting,” she admits.

“My mother has been yelling at me for as long as I can remember,” says 23-year-old Sarah. “Whenever I've displeased her, I've had to put up with banging pots and pans and slamming doors and the neighbours being able to hear what I did wrong.” Even though Sarah is an adult now, she constantly fears her mother's tantrums. According to research, the parent-child verbal abuse relationship is most common because parents feel they know best and assume a one-up position.

Research show that the scars of emotional abuse may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. According to Marya Mustansir, “with emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem making him or her incapable of judging any situation realistically, making decisions or initiating any task. Emotional abuse is a systematic brainwash that wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept.”

Studies show that abusers are often motivated by feelings of powerlessness and insecurity. Asad was in constant fear of his beautiful wife cheating on him. He resorted to constantly nagging her about what to wear and commenting negatively on how inefficient she was in handling her household duties. He even yelled at her in front of the kids, accusing her of neglecting them. “I wanted to make her feel small, because I was afraid that one day she would realise that she was too good for me,” he confesses. Eventually it was couple counselling which helped them save their marriage.

When asked how to deal with a situation when one feels emotionally battered, psychologists firstly recommend counselling for both the victim and abuser. However, in most cases the abuser does not consent to being counselled. “In such a situation, the victim is given supportive counselling; anything to make them regain their self confidence and start respecting themselves. They can be motivated to find a hobby or interest that he or she finds fulfilling,” suggests Marya. “Also, when you feel the other person is beginning to put you down, try to walk away from the situation or tell the person that you don't want to talk about it right now.”

Unfortunately and ironically, a victim may assume the role of the abuser in another relationship. A woman subjected to verbal abuse from her husband may take her frustration out on her child by yelling at him, who may end up bullying a peer in school. Thus, it's a vicious circle. You and I might be abusing someone emotionally too. If I use my authority in any relationship to play a game of power, making the other person feel smaller, then I too am an abuser.

Are you?