Amother of two I know has a favourite saying: how can she give preference to one eye over the other? She uses this sentence to deny that she discriminates between her children. Whether she does or not is her business. The fact is that parents very often, for a whole variety of reasons do discriminate between their children.

In the first case, it is accepted that boys are given preference over girls. This is especially true of our rural areas. Since poverty is rife in the developing world, daughters are usually an economic burden (dowry and not allowed to earn as a basic rule). So precious are boys that quite often villagers will only count them as their offspring. I have frequently heard village women tell me, for instance, that they have only two children. Their five or six daughters do not count.

One old lady termed a family with a son as a tidy one. You most probably have seen parents with daughter, daughter, daughter, daughter, daughter, son…stop! They kept producing till the all precious son was born.

But will these parents treat their children equally? No way. Sons are fed better, educated better and given far more attention. I do not deny that there are reasons behind this discrimination. In the lower income group, old age benefit is the son. Daughters will be married off and expected to look after their in-laws. It is the sons and daughters-in-law who will look after the parents when they are no longer productive. The only trouble is that while this does make some sense in the poor who have no old-age insurance, the mindset is present even in the educated.

Sex-selective abortions are becoming an everyday matter. As technology makes it simple and cheap to determine the fetus’ gender, it is easy to terminate the pregnancy when yet another daughter is on the way. Women who do not produce sons can be thrown out of the husband’s house or undergo verbal if not physical abuse.

In one report, it was noted that most parents discriminated against their chubby (read fat) child. This child will be the butt of jokes not only of the siblings and peers, but also of the parents, who will come down harder on this child.

This brings us to appearance. There appears a natural bias for a child/children who are thought to be better looking than those who appear to be more ‘ordinary’. If the parents are not the happiest of couples (and few are), there will be a bias against the child who takes after either parent. The mother will tell the child who looks and behaves like the father that s/he is just as stubborn, difficult, unreasonable, and mean as the father. And the father, who will see his wife in his child’s face, will prefer not to be given the reminder so he will not interact much with this child. And the child who takes after his/her paternal grandmother is doomed even before the race began. All the prejudices harboured against the mother-in-law will emerge as the whip for this poor soul.

Discrimination between children takes place when one child is viewed as handicapped in any way. This may be because of a broken/unhappy marriage, financial burdens, or any other disadvantage. This child will get more attention and pity than the others. Long after the difficult period is over, the favouritism remains. It has gone so deep into the psyche of the parents that they cannot imagine this child to be treated as less than extra special.

Normally, mothers tend to favour their sons, and the fathers their daughters. Quite often then, a tussle develops between the parents regarding the support provided to the ‘unfortunate’ one.

The discrimination does not always spring from the parents. Some children make sure that they receive more attention than their siblings. If this child is the youngest in the family, it comes out of habit. If in the middle, it comes from making sure that they are given attention when there are children older and younger than them clamouring for attention simultaneously. And some children simply decide, usually as adults, that they will not grow beyond the age of five when it suits them. This adult will pout, lisp, throw tantrums, quickly be reduced to tears and generally appear utterly helpless.

What can the parents do apart from providing more during a lifetime of continued support to this child who makes sure s/he remains a child forever? This is rather a smart technique for in all other spheres this individual is perfectly capable of dealing with the real world.

Academically bright children are also favoured. The obsession to come first in the class is usually not the child’s: at least not in the first nine or 10 years of life. It is parents who love to boast of their very clever children. And the child who feeds his/her parents’ ego is bound to be treated better and more pampered than the siblings. Discrimination of any sort is ugly; more so in the case of one’s own children.