50
PEO TV BREAKING NEWS! (Dramatic Music)
According to highly informed sources, the PPP-led government is planning to start an operation against the MQM. Yes, Tahir.
Thank you, Tahira. We now have an unnamed source on the line with us. Aslamualaikum Mr. Unnamed Source.
Walaikumasalam, Tahira.
Source Sahib, what else can you tell us about this most recent development in Karachi?
Nothing other than that my name is Bakir Qureshi and I am a cook at the house of the niece of the aunt of the grandmother of the mother of the nephew of the aunt of the mother of the godmother of the son of Chief Minister of Sindh …
Source Sahib, we would prefer it if you keep your real identity hidden and just call yourself a unammed source.
Oh, nahi, jee, I am cook on merit and make very good nihari.
Thank you Janaab Unnamed Source. Naazreen, as you heard our unnamed source, it is now confirmed that President Zardari is planning an anti-MQM operation in Karachi and has asked his minister, Zulfi Motormouth Mirza to attack MQM’s headquarters at Nine-Zero. And remember, naazreen, it was our channel that first brought you this rumor, I mean, news. Now back to the programme you were watching before the break.
Copulative Talk
Welcome back, naazreen, I am your host Abid Pir reminding you that we were talking to our guests, Mr Imam Khan, Mr Farooq Sitter and a Ms. Marvi Siren. So, Imam, please continue with what you were saying before the break …
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata, this is the most corrupt …
Excuse me, Imam, we’ll come back to that after a small break …
(22 commercials)
Welcome back to Copulative Talk, so, Imam, please continue …
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata, this is the most corrupt …
BREAKING NEWS! (Dramatic Music)
According to highly informed sources, President Zardari is a Leo. Let’s talk to our correspondent in Islamabad. Jee, Arif, what’s the latest?
Jee, Arifa, according to a highly informed source, Zardari is a Leo. Jee, Arifa. Jee, Arif. Jee, Arifa. Jee, Arif. Arifa? Arif? Arifa!
Okay, Arif. Naazreen, now we go back to the show you were watching before the break.
Copulative Talk
Jee Nazreen, welcome back to Copulative Talk. So, Jinaab Farooq Sitter, tell us …
But you were talking to me, Abid.
Okay, Jee, Imam …
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata, this is the most corrupt …
I think you should talk to me first because MQM is under siege.
Okay, jee Farooq sahib …
Daikain Pir sahib, aap koh nahi pata, this is the most violent …
Sorry Sitter Saheb, we have Mian Nawaz Sharif with us on the line … jee Mian Sahib …
Hello?
Jee Mian Sahib, can you hear us?
Yes, yes, now I can …
Can you tell us if there is any progress on the grand opposition alliance you are trying to form with MQM, Imam Khan and others?
Yes, the alliance will be led by my party, PML-N.
What are you planning to call it?
We are planning to call it PML-ABCDFGHI JKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ!
Jee Imam, what are your thoughts on this?
Daikhain Abid, aap koh nahi pata, this is the most corrupt …
Sorry Imam, we’ll just be with you after this break… (24 Commercial. 13 of them repeats)
So, Imam, what were you saying… ? Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata this is the most corrupt… Oye, sab tujay hi pata hai kya? Daikhain, Mian sahib, aap ko nahin pata… Oye, kya tu
BREAKING NEWS! (Dramatic Music)
According to a highly informed source a dog was run over and killed by a truck carrying a group of Army Jewans in Waziristan. Jee, Arif. What’s the latest?
It’s Asif, Arifa. Arif is in Islamabad.
Oh, okay. By the way this is Amna. Arifa is in Karachi.
Oh, okay. So, what’s the latest Amna?
You tell me. You’re the correspondent!
Yes, of course, that’s right, I am. Amna, a highly informed source has highly informed us that a stray dog was run over and killed by a truck carrying a group of soldiers in Waziristan.
Was the dog strapped with explosives, Asif?
No, Amna, but a highly informed source told us that the dog was being pelted with stones by the local Taliban before being run over by the truck.
Why was he being thrown stones at, Asif?
Well, according to the highly, wily informed and very resourcefully sourced source, the Taliban of the area have banned all naked dogs in this area.
But all dogs are naked, Asif. Animals usually are.
Yes, that’s true, Amna. Iss hamaam main sab hi nangay hain!
What the hell are you talking about, Asif? Can you tell us a bit more about the dog?
The naked dog, Amna.
Yes, the naked dog.
Well, another highly informed source just told me, the dog is very much alive!
He is??
Yes!
BREAKING NEWS! (Dramatic Music)
A highly informed source just told us that the dog which was reported to have been run over by an Army truck is very much alive. We’ll keep you posted on the latest developments on this issue. Meanwhile, let’s go back to the programme you were watching before the break…
Copulative Talk
Jee, Imam, what were you saying..?
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata this is the most corrupt…
(TING! This time check is brought to you by Late Lateef Pan Masala!)
Jee, Imam, as you were saying…
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata this is the most corrupt…
Sorry, Imam, I’m afraid we have run out of time, but each one of you can quickly give your wrapping-up statements. Jee, Imam, you first…
Daikhain, Abid, aap ko nahin pata this is the most corrupt…
Thank you, Imam. Jee Farooq Sitter Sahib…
Abid the phone lines of Nine-Zero have been disconnected. This is a sign that the government is planning a drone attack on our headquarters!
I see. Thank you. Jee, Marvi Siren … Marvi? (silence) Marvi?
Please don’t disturb, I am Tweeting my response to you.
But you are here in front of me. Why are you Tweeting your response?
Do you have a Twitter account?
No.
Let me make one for you. I totally farigh these days.
Okay. Jee Mian Sahib …
Oye! Siren Bibi totally farigh these days?. Bohat achhay! Another breaking news!
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com. He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
