Is it OK if I call you Mansoor? Never mind, let’s stick with Mr. Ijaz, you are an important man. But it’s time we had a little talk. You know, mano-a-mano, American citizen to American citizen, (see two can play that game.) Anyhow, let’s cut to the chase.

We can do it over coffee, or perhaps you’ve switched to tea since your sudden (or is it?) interest in all things Pakistani. Or perhaps we could do it over virgin Cuba Libres on one of your private jets on our way to the “nice piece of beach” that you know of. I’ve never been on a private jet — not being ultra wealthy can be a drag that way.

But I digress. So it appears you’re finally ready to fly down and join the party you started. As a recent migrant to this place, I felt I’d give you a few pointers, you know, white boy to white boy. Although odds are your experience might be slightly different than mine.

You’re quite the celebrity here. But you already knew that. So much so that you trumped Veena Malik and her ‘ahem’ mistake. The bearded boys only made a slight kerfuffle over that thanks to the pesky little memo. And jokes aside, that’s really no joke. I’d even call it progress ... sort of.

Speaking of Veena, I might as well tell you there will probably be some people holding placards saying “Mansoor Ijaz”, and it’s not entirely implausible to assume that some of those people might also be wearing uniforms with the initials ISI on them.

But really my point here is to level with you. You’re new to the game, we just want to get to know you, your hopes and dreams, we can take it slow, no rush. Everyone knows Hussain Haqqani and Asif Zardari and it’s pointless to belabor the point by going on about those two. But you, you’re an enigma, and a well-dressed one at that.

So let’s play a game and assume it’s May 2011 and Osama Bin Laden has just been killed in Abotabbad. That looked a little bad. President Zardari is freaked and so he/they devise a little scheme, or shall we call it a ‘plan.’ Mike Mullen is a sensible man and who else could talk some sense into them coup-happy generals in Rawalpindi.

And let’s assume Zaradari orders the Code Red, er I mean the memo, (sorry I’ve been watching A Few Good Men again). Haqqani, like the good little right-hand man he is, goes right to work and gives you a call, and you very politely grease the wheels like the good friend you are, and for nothing in return as far as we know. Because that’s what you do. You aim to please. You’re a swell guy.

You knew someone who knew someone who’d get the memo to Mr. Mullen. You were just a messenger and you did your job, and you did it well. Mums the word.

Come September 2011 and Mullen is retiring. But before he goes, he pulls a Columbo and says “oh just one more thing...”  and basically indicts Pakistan’s intelligence officials for carrying a covert war against the US. The US you love so much. I do too, apple pie, land of the free, Jersey Shore, how can you not?

This ruffles a few Pakistani feathers. How dare he say that? The punditocracy on TV has a field day. They say mean things about Mr. Mullen and this is where you pull a Sarah Palin and go rogue.

So you get right on your Macbook, (judging by your suits I’m assuming you’re a Mac and not a PC) and you fire out an op-ed to spill the beans. Not all the beans. But just some of the beans. But enough of the beans to cause a ruckus. A big ruckus. Still with me? Good.

You’ve mentioned you have no loyalties to Pakistan, you’re an American citizen after all, and you greatly admire Mr. Mullen. But you’ve never ever met him. Yet so hurt are you to hear the great general maligned by Pakistani media and government officials that you feel the need to defend him. Poor Mr. Mullen who’s probably seen more gun fire than you’ve flown economy.

And therein lies the rub.

Being the rational person that I hope I am, I find that to be a little implausible. Now I didn’t to go MIT or anything but again the math doesn’t quite add up. So let’s just talk. I’m just a little curious. We all are.

Regards, Salman