Truth is stranger than fiction, but the events of the past three months in Pakistani cricket have been so ridiculous that even a B-grade Bollywood producer would have to pass up the script. Certainly, the actors have been ridiculous, but one has to accept that the sitcom starring all levels of committees, officials, and players is getting high ratings.

The latest came not just in the form of Mohammad Yousuf blasting ‘the invisible man,’ but also through the statements of his coaches and manager who kept telling the media that the rumours of a split in the team were created by them to sell newspapers and airtime. Through this, the coaches and PCB management have been shown to be liars. That begs the question: can we believe anything that they now say, even officially?

Worse, Yousuf's revelation that the ‘invisible man’ who was conspiring to disrupt unity and poisoning the minds of other players against the captain was pointed out to him by none other than his coach Intikhab Alam. So the man who is appointed to build teamwork and unity in the team actually sows seeds of suspicion among them. And this is the man who vehemently denies that there were splits in the team!

Meanwhile, the most devout Muslim in the cricketing world himself showed no regard for the concept of gheebat and tuhmat.  How then could he be expected to honour the PCB code of conduct which forbids any contracted player to give a statement to the media about any aspect of the tour? Same goes for his beleaguered opponent, Shoaib Malik, who gave his own press briefing.

Incredibly, this mud-slinging went on for three days before the PCB intervened. By that time, of course, there was nothing left to say by these two about the carnage in the team. So what were the disciplinarians doing for those three days? And how come no immediate disciplinary action was taken against the squabbling players? One of them is actually picked to captain Pakistan this week!

The most laughable aspect of all this is the continuing Laurel & Hardy show featuring Javed Miandad as the wily Laurel and Butt sahib as the robust Hardy. Ijaz Butt can afford the world to ignore his naivete regarding the situation that has developed on his watch. On the other hand, the revelation that Miandad has been garnering millions for doing nothing is insulting not only to his reputation as a cricketing genius, but also for of the image of the country.

For the moment, both sides have dug in, the prosecutors firing away blindly at anything that moves at Gaddafi Stadium, while the defenders pull a classic - form a committee and say that they have to wait for its findings.

Such committees are the best for riding out a debacle, the causes of which are known to everyone. One could even say the committees are a FARCE (friends, appointees, relatives clearing Ejaz). It’s always a funny collection of individuals who feel the naysayers will become believers and walk away from the gates blessing the Chairman.

Gen. Tauqir did this after the 2003 World Cup with Col. (retd.) Naushad in charge and Aaqib and Sultan Rana as members. Who in his right mind would expect a retired colonel to hold a serving general responsible? Aaqib and Sultan were already dependent on Gen. Tauqir for continuation of wages. The report exonerated the management and four months later Sultan and Aaqib went to Sri Lanka with the Pakistan Under-19 team as manager and coach. To Aaqib’s credit, Pakistan won the Under-19 World Cup 2004 under him.

The 2003 investigators worked under the project PCB Review Committee. That report, which is available on the PCB website, proves that nothing changes, that the same people responsible for past blunders come back to power, promising the same transparency, accountability, and reforms before replicating the same behavior that instigated the previous report.

It is at once a depressing, hilarious, and ridiculous read, and a caveat for all those who still harbor hope that things will improve after the findings. I selected the highlights in my column this week, but the Twenty20 version is no match for the real Test account. Hope you can make sense out of the phrasing and grammar used by one of the leading organisations whose top management apparently can’t draft or proof read. Surgeon General’s Warning: Please have your sides ready for stitching while reading.

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