I am extraordinarily glad that the government is so concerned about its own safety. After all, running Pakistan is an extremely dangerous job, as evidenced by the regiments of bodyguards required to maintain the safety of various politicians. Unfortunately, even the 10 car-strong convoys and head of state style protection detail is not enough to maintain the sense of security of our esteemed and – lest you forget, popularly elected – selfless leaders.

Since nothing is more important for our nation’s interests than to preserve the safety of our brave leaders, one is compelled to applaud their unpopular (and not to mention completely ineffective) decision to ban pillion riding.

One is admittedly impressed that our highly educated political figures even know what pillion riding is. Bravo. Double sawari, as it is commonly known, involves multiple individuals squeezing themselves onto a motorcycle. The government decided to institute the ban against this practice when the number of target killings that occurred owing to double sawari increased exponentially: attackers would load up on motorcyles, and their pillion rider(s) would shoot targets in true drive-by fashion.

I can see how our government officials think that pillion riding – rather than other factors such as ethnic discord, poverty, corruption, and land grabbing – is the root cause of target killings and militancy. In that context, the government ban on pillion riding (exempting government officials and children under the age of 12) seems justified. Of course, by this logic, perhaps they should also consider a ban on cars and pick-ups for the same purpose (those are used in kidnappings, car-bombings, and all manner of anti-state activities). Unfortunately, this more effective car ban cannot be implemented the convoys of government officials are highly reliant on expensive four-wheeled vehicles.

So, who does the ban on pillion riding help (since it’s certainly not the law-enforcing officials)? Is the transport mafia having a hard time filling up its buses and looking to snatch riders off their bikes? That seems highly unlikely as buses are still packed to the brim. There’s also the small matter of people continuing to use buses because, ironically, they can’t afford bikes. Clearly, then, the ban is not in aid of yellow devils.

Might it be genuinely safer to ban the practice? Yes, pillion riding on Pakistan’s bumpy roads is hardly the modicum of safety, but no one has ever forced another person to ride pillion style. The fact is, we live in Pakistan, where we have to contend with bomb blasts, large scale faulty wiring, and swarms of criminal activity on a daily basis. Those who ride pillion style do so out of necessity, not desire.

It might just be that there is a vendetta against motorcyclists: every person I know who owns a car hates motorcyclists – and I have never seen a motorcyclist elected to parliament. Can this be the new national conspiracy theory? Gariwallah zindabad.

Here’s another suspicion: the ban is really a morality law, setting up a precedent to prevent men riding with women – and that too in public, with no hand-dandy glove compartment in which to keep a nikahnamah to prove the passengers’ alliance is legitimate. Through this law, the government can now further reduce interaction between the sexes; how completely deviously brilliant of them.

The real purpose of this ban, in my opinion, is to help cops catch other suspected criminals. No one would dare suggest that our honest cops would use this law as an excuse to increase their bribery revenue. Yep, no one.

Actually, once you think about it, this law is completely logical. Once our esteemed elected officials feel safe, they’ll be able to focus on legislation and actually work for the betterment of the country. Ever wonder why military governments (appear to) get things done? It’s because they are all packing heat 24/7.

As an afterthought: in case anyone is wondering, the ban isn’t working and oddly enough people are actually getting together to protest it. So, we won’t protest against corrupt government officials, but the ban on pillion riding is protest worthy. What a nation we live in.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.