Do you sometimes feel everyone is trying to control your life; telling you what to do and how to do it? Well you’re right. After all, as a woman living in the Land of the Pure, you need adequate supervision and oodles of advice from your mom to your mom-in-law, your husband, your kids, your maid, your hairstylist and even the stranger on the street. And if it’s not advice, it’s questions. Anyone, from the lady who does your waxing to the guy who delivers the newspaper, think nothing of posing questions of a nature you wouldn’t ask your closest friend. (Bhai jaan ki achi tankha hogi? – your husband must be earning a good salary …?) Most of us retaliate with a polite smile (hiding our gritted teeth) but perhaps 2011 is the year to give as you receive. Here are some answers to unsolicited advice, rude questions and the usual intrusive comments and statements one is likely to hear almost every day. Please feel free to come up with your own variations.

Aunty at a relative’s wedding: Beti, read this wazifa every night and by this time next year, I’ll be attending your wedding. The answer: Thank you aunty; was this the wazifa that helped you land Uncle? If so, I’ll pass.

Woman sitting next to you on the plane/train/bus: You don’t have any children? Tsk tsk. I’ll take you to my hakeem, he can perform miracles. The answer: Wow, thanks. But you know, my husband performs pretty well too; and we’re having too much fun to have kids right now.

Your mom-in-law: My poor grandchildren; they feel so neglected since you started working. The answer: Don’t worry Ami, I’ll drop them off at your place every morning; they won’t miss me a bit with you looking after them.

Your husband: Honey, wouldn’t it be nice if you made fresh chapattis for dinner? The answer: Absolutely. I’ll get to it right after you cook dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, help the kids with homework…what, you don’t want chapatti after all?

Your kid: Mom, don’t post your beach party pictures on Facebook; my friends think it’s weird. The answer: Sorry honey; I’ll post nude baby pictures of you instead.

Your mother’s friend (who is a rishta aunty in disguise): Beta, it’s about time you gave up this career nonsense and settled down. It’s not like you’ll need to work after marriage. Your answer: Aunty, that’s exactly what I plan on doing — just as soon as I find someone I can donate my brain to. No use letting it go to waste.

Your fiancé: My sister thinks you’re a bit too modern... but I told her I have no problem with that. Your answer: Oh, tell her not to worry; I’ll wear my shuttlecock burqa when we go to her in-law’s dinner party next week — with my red parandah.

Your neighbour: You have such an active social life; the good looking man you went out with yesterday, is he a friend? The answer: No, actually, I just call a number and they send someone right away. I can give it to you if you like, the charges are very reasonable.

Your male colleague: Doesn’t your husband mind you working with men? Your answer: No. Doesn’t your wife mind you making passes at women half your age?

Your female colleague: I love what you’re wearing but it’s a little bold for the office, don’t you think? Your answer: No, this is from my ‘mildly shocking’ collection; I’ll start on ‘bold’ next week.

Beauty salon attendant: Oh dear, what a deep tan; you should try our whitening facial. The answer: Oh whitening is totally out of fashion now; I paid a bomb to get this copper tone at a very exclusive salon in Dubai. You should start offering tanning facilities too.

Man in the parking lot (who thinks that since you’re a woman you can’t reverse without his help): Bibi, turn your steering wheel to the left… now reverse….now turn…no, not that way… The answer: Don’t say a word. Just reverse over his big toe. Hey, he already thinks you’re a klutz, so prove it.

Your maid: Baji, you should buy an automatic washing machine like the begum next door. The answer: Right. I will. Then I won’t need you, so start looking for another job.

Your married friend: Honestly, you single women are so lucky! Your answer (straight-faced): Actually yes, we are! Your mom: Don’t you think this kameez makes you look fat? The answer: Actually, there isn’t one. She’s your mom, you’ll never beat her in an argument. And you might as well change that shirt; you know it’ll make you feel fat all day.

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