IMAGINE that your close friend borrows a book to read from you. But each time he or she returns it, it is in a dilapidated state. Some pages usually get torn or missing, while some others bear all sorts of stains. You are desperately trying to tell your friend to stop the habit of spoiling the books, but somehow or the other, you find yourself tongue-tied. Sounds familiar?

Many a times we find it difficult to be straightforward and say “No” even though we might think that we are confident, smart and know what we want out of our lives, yet we find ourselves tongue-tied surprisingly even with strangers. We would think that speaking to strangers would be easy — after all, we never have to see them again.

But, interestingly, some of us actually have more trouble in these situations. If we are not used to speaking our mind, our go-to reaction to anything we can’t say “No” to might be a pointed stare or a loud sigh. But guess what? These nonverbal expressions of anger aren’t going to help us get what we need or what we think or actually want. However, the important question is why does it seem a mammoth task to be assertive?

This is because we are worried that in doing so, either we will be judged or we might offend the other person or, even worse, face their wrath. So chances are that we just let what we want go unsaid, complicating matters further as we have to fight a lifetime of the old and bad habit of saying “Sure” when we really mean “No way”.

Surprisingly, our closest people can sometimes be the toughest to stand up to as they are the people we want to please the most and we would rather not disappoint them.

However, being assertive, i.e. standing up for ourselves and speaking our minds in a clear and respectful way, brings perks such as it makes us feel good and free to express our feelings, thoughts and desires; to be able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with other people, to know our rights and have control over our emotions and anger.

This definitely does not imply that we suppress anger; rather it implies that we control it and talk about it in a rational way. Assertiveness makes relationships from an ‘I count my needs, I count your needs.’ stand, and we then cooperate and compromise with others, rather than always having their way. They also have good self-esteem.

So how do you master this crucial art?

Belief

The secret lies in knowing what you want, having a belief that you have the right to it and you are right in wanting it. This belief will bring confidence in you and it will help you in the most awkward of situations.

Confidence

You must muster the valour and confidence to express your thoughts and feelings.

Courage

Confidence automatically paves the path for courage. Those who are confident take responsibility for their own selves and the courage to speak up their minds and fight for their rights.

Patience

It is quite common to be impatient or lose patience, however, try improving your patience level and keep your calm. It has its benefits when you are trying to speak your mind to someone and make them understand your viewpoint.

Repeating your refusal

While saying “No” to anything, you can use this trick of merely repeating your refusals each time you encounter resistance. You can also shorten up your sentences each time you are met with resistance till you finally say one word “No”, and keep repeating it until the other person understands. You can also add something like this: “I am very sorry, that’s not feasible for me”.

Using “I” statements

You can use “I” statements to emphasise your feelings and wishes from a personal position without being negative or harsh. Using “You” statements, on the other hand, can make the other person defensive, which will only escalate the argument or create problems.

A soft but firm tone

Soften up your “No “statements with a gentle tone and at least one thing that the person you are talking to feels happy about before saying “No” to them, such as “You are a great person, but I am not comfortable with this habit of yours”.

Simplicity

Keep your words simple, straightforward and feel responsible for your words and own them.

Listening carefully

Don’t be the first one to say things. Though it may seem to you that it is a great idea to speak first instead of to listen. On the contrary, it is smart to let others talk first and listen carefully. This will give the time to assemble your thoughts carefully and choosing the right kind of words before speaking your mind. This is also a very good trick for developing patience and to think deeply before speaking.

Noting examples

Take note of good examples. Observe how other people who inspire you in being assertive, handle people and situations, and what kind of words they use. This will give you an idea about how to carry yourself around following the right examples and the right ways.

So the next time your buddy keeps dragging you to a boring session or you won’t speak up in class or gatherings etc, you have to ask yourself if you want to continue in the shadow letting others take you for granted or you want to be assertive and take charge of your life and your rights? The choice is yours.

IF you are not naturally assertive than others then you need to follow the skills to develop your assertiveness.

• Value yourself and your rights

• Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as important as everyone else’s. But remember they are not more important than anyone else’s, either.

• Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.

• Identify your needs and wants, and ask for them to be satisfied.

• Don’t wait for someone to recognise what you need (you might wait forever!)

• Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others’ needs in the process.

• Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behaviour.

• As long as you are not violating someone else’s needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.

• Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner.

• Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your rights.

• Accept feedback positively – be prepared to say you don’t agree but do not get defensive or angry.

• Know that you can’t do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that.

Assertive communication techniques

There are a variety of ways to communicate assertively. By understanding how to be assertive, you can quickly adapt these techniques to any situation you are facing.

I statements are very important.

Use ‘I want.’, ‘I need.’ or ‘I feel.’ to convey basic assertions.

Change your verbs

Use ‘won’t’ instead of can’t’

Use ‘want’ instead of ‘need’

Use ‘choose to’ instead of ‘have to’

Use ‘could’ instead of ‘should’.