Feminism is a lie. If it was not a lie, why would there be no mentions of it in the Constitution of Pakistan?

The constitution; a document that has everything from your fundamental rights to your not so essential lefts, from the Objectives Resolution to the subjective New Year resolutions, from how to create the systems of governance to how to dissolve them and impose martial law.

It is all in there, there is even a section on the nation’s favourite past time: borrowing money.

It is a complete code of life but with zero mentions of feminism. The 20 amendments to it also do not mention feminism, as they say, if it ain't broke, don’t fix it.

This fictitious ideology has been imported into Pakistan as western propaganda against our way of life; it is another attack on the fabric of our society, just like Harry Potter. The most unbelievable part of that entire series for me was the existence of a co-education school.

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It is contrary to our cultural values, such as honour killings and female infanticide. If you cannot kill anyone you want whenever you want without facing any consequence, what is the point of living in Pakistan then? The country was created after western powers got tired of playing Risk and wanted to play Counter-strike … for real.

In fact, flight simulator is the most popular game in America, or as the activity is more popularly known as in Pakistan: Drone attacks.

Feminism is not a Pakistani phenomenon. Quaid-e-Azam does not mention feminism once in his speeches. He does not say, “You are free to go to your temples, you are free to go to your mosques and you are free to go to your liberal arts colleges.”

If Quaid-e-Azam was a feminist, he would have ensured that his sister also emerged as a powerful leader of the freedom movement. People would have remembered her as the ‘Mother of the nation’ and be forced to add her picture to their Pakistani leaders sticker collections.

All I am saying is feminism is not native to Pakistan. It only exists in the minds of some students at liberal arts colleges who want to look cool holding a board up saying things like, “I need feminism because membership to the debates society was already full.” They are not doing it for their rights, if they really wanted their rights in Pakistan so bad, shouldn't they just have been born as men?

Also read: To be a feminist … in Pakistan

What do they need all their rights for? They already have complete freedom of the house.

Think about the economic burden on the house if women are liberated in Pakistan. When women are home all day, you do not even need a chowkidaar. If you have children, think of how much you save on a babysitter. And if they can cook, think of all the times you can tell her to make you a sandwich.

If women are treated as equal, how will all us men continue to enjoy the benefits of all their domestic work and still pretend we wear the pants in the house because we are the breadwinners? Do you want to live in a world where men do not wear pants?

What will come of this fight for equality? It is not like if we give women in Pakistan equal opportunity and resources; they can go and win Nobel prizes, Oscars and Emmys for Pakistan.

We need to curb this spread of feminism in Pakistan, and replace it with masculinism; to stop the gender discrimination against men. If women become equal to men in Pakistan, we will have to stop acting like animals to them. And we really like acting like animals, we grew up watching the Crocodile Hunter, you cannot suddenly expect us not to jump at something we find gorgeous and roll around in the water shouting, “Crickey Mate.”

How is it always the man’s fault? The western media has the sense to also blame movies and video games for violence in society. However, in Pakistan, despite the fact that a popular television show clearly shows a woman bearing a Burqa terrorising a village, hitting innocent people with books and pens, all the blame for violence falls squarely on to men.

Women have a problem with everything, next thing they will ask not to be sexually harassed at work. If I did not want to sexually harass my workers, would I not just hire men?

They even have the audacity not to fall all over me when I walk out of my house wearing Axe deodorant. I want my 150rs back on that can!

It is not like men hold all the power in Pakistan, continuously, and deliberately, perpetuating ideas about gender, that women are socialised into ensuring the hegemonic structures in society placing the male at the top remain in place. That is crazy talk.

Also read: We need feminist marriages, not feminist weddings

Men do not dictate social relations in Pakistan, for instance marriage. If you hate us so much, why do you marry us?

Don’t try to turn this around on us also, we have a good excuse, we can at least say we married you for the jahez. What is your excuse? It is not like society creates pressure on women to see marriage as a necessity. Girls in Pakistan have a lot of choices, they can marry somebody their parents wish her to marry to, or they can move abroad and be dead to them forever.

The above is a work of satire.