Hi Auntie Jaan I am a 24-year-old girl working in a multinational company, I was in school when my father passed away and my mother has worked really hard to bring me up as I am the only child. She still works in a private firm.

All my life I have faced many issues because my father was a non-Muslim and my mother married him because she belonged to a family of commercial sex workers and wanted to get out of that place to live a respectable life. But she never discussed these things with me. I got to know about all this through my maternal family as all of them are somehow related to that background. My mother wants me to live a respectable life, and so we never lived in my mother’s home city. She avoided living there even though we had financial issues after my father’s death. She never asked her siblings for any help and never went back to live with them.

We used to live in an apartment before my father’s death where a few old neighbours knew about my mother’s background. However, we left that place soon after my father’s death due to financial issues.

There is a guy from that area who was my friend since childhood. Five years ago, we realised that we are more than friends and loved each other. Two years ago, he secured a good job in a foreign country, so he shifted there. Before leaving, he talked to his parents about our marriage, but his parents refused because they were our old neighbours and they have issue with my father’s religion and my mother’s background.

Now we both are trying to find some way, but nothing seems to be going in our favour. I don’t know what I should do, because I know every family will raise questions on my father’s religion, even though I am well educated and good looking. We are planning a court marriage if his family doesn’t agree, but if we do so, his father will break all contact with him, which he doesn’t want and which I don’t want either.

I don’t know what my mistake is? I want to lead a normal life like every girl, get married, have a family but this dream seems very difficult. I sometimes feel very depressed. Waiting for your suggestion.

Hopeless

Dear Take-control,It is unfortunate that you are being ostracised for your background. No one in this world has any say in where they are born, and objectively speaking, people are wrong to treat you the way they do, for no fault of yours. It is important to keep reminding yourself that in this case, everyone who ostracises you is wrong because this exclusion is based on an accident of birth.

You also need to start reframing the story of your life. Another way to view your mother is that she was a respectable woman, who worked hard to make ends meet. Reframe all other ‘situations’ in your life. In any case, if you look around you, you are sure to find examples of people who come from backgrounds similar to yours and who have found someone to marry and lead respectable lives. So it is possible.

Also if your friend is willing to marry you in court and face family opposition, he obviously thinks you are worth it, so you might want to consider not pushing away the little bit of happiness that is making its way towards you.

Apart from this, Auntie would suggest that you set out to find social support from other quarters. Do you have school friends or colleagues who don’t care about your family background? Cultivate them and hang out with them. Keep reminding yourself that prevalent attitudes are wrong and focus on your strengths. Hey, you have already come a long way in life and now work for a multinational.

In addition, from now on start taking decisions. Start taking small decisions and move onto bigger ones. So for example pick a movie that you want to watch with a friend or a relative. Don’t dwell too long or gather too much information. Just decide. This small exercise will give you a feeling of control over your life. Move onto taking bigger and bigger decisions and you will realise that the more matters you take into your hand, the more confident you will feel dealing with the world.

Do not turn to anyone for approval. You have done nothing wrong and you do not need to please anyone. If it gets too much, you might also want to look into moving to a kinder and gentler country, where you will be valued for who you are.

Dear Mumani jaan,We are three siblings and I am currently doing my O’ levels. I belonged to an upper middle class family and until recently we were fine monetarily, till financial issues took over. Now we are in a position where it has become difficult for my dad to bear our school and other expenses.

Every month, my mom has to sell the gold jewellery that she received in her wedding, simply to meet all expenses. This has increased our worries and soon we might run out of gold too. All this is pushing me and my family deep into depression. Any suggestion that might be helpful?

Struggler

Dear Loving Son, Auntie finds it incredibly sweet that you are thinking of a solution for your parents’ financial problems. For now, the only real way you can help your family is by helping them save money. Try not to eat out, cut down on your electricity use, and shop at affordable places. Do whatever possible to stretch every rupee.

At the same time, make a conscious effort to be supportive of your parents. Keep reminding them that you appreciate all that both of them are doing for you. Work hard in school and definitely apply for any scholarships on offer. Focus on studying hard, getting into a good career, making decent money and eventually taking good care of your parents.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, May 31st, 2015

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