Do not — repeat ‘NOT’ — venture anywhere near Kabul if you are a weight-watcher: the mouthwatering food is impossible to resist and if you even think, even for a split second, that you can refuse a mountainous first helping and the seconds which inevitably follow, both your host and your taste-buds will be unforgivably insulted!

Afghanistan, at war with itself, with outsiders or in one of its rare periods of peace, is all about food and nothing, not even a quick business meeting, is complete without some kind of irresistible spread being laid out on the table or, more traditionally, on a ‘table’ cloth spread on the floor around which everyone in the vicinity promptly squats and after ritual hand washing, gets stuck into a feast arranged in communal bowls.

Kicking off with a hearty breakfast is expected: you must have the full ‘works’ which is liable to be half a dozen eggs cooked on top of a kilo of tomatoes fried in desi ghee and served up with at least two huge, fresh naans, plus, gallons of heavily sugared, milk tea from which there is no escape.

A morning business meeting is liable to open with the offer of a second breakfast which you can, without offense, refuse but you cannot refuse more tea or the bakery biscuits — Afghan biscuits are the size of saucers and half an inch thick — that come with it, nor can you decline to nibble the array of delectable dried fruit and nuts or the bowl of gaily wrapped sweets that follow and then, depending on the length of the meeting, you will be expected to stay for lunch.

Office lunches tend to turn into ‘family’ affairs in which numerous people, including cooks and helpers, participate and, you can bet your last dollar, that that specialty, one which never tastes the same outside Kabul, will be on the menu and what Kabuli Pilau is!

This scrumptious pilau will not, naturally, be served on its own but accompanied by dishes such as saag, huge bowls of yoghurt, an assortment of crisp salads and bowls of sliced onions, fresh coriander, mint and whole green chillies for those who, unlike most Afghans, relish a mouthful of ‘hot’. And, it goes without saying, meals are always accompanied by naan, of which there are numerous varieties, some of which are stuffed with chopped up baby leeks.

Oh! Soup, be this vegetable or otherwise, is always a starter and is a substantial meal in itself.

Lunch, it may go on all afternoon, is rounded off with a mountain of whatever fresh fruits happen to be in season: liquid refreshments will include fresh juice, soft drinks, water, saltish or sweet lassi and either black or green tea — only after you have eaten and drunk enough to last six months can you politely and secretly burp!

Then, before you know it and wherever you happen to be, it is suddenly ‘tea-time’ and back to biscuits, dried fruit, nuts and sweets or, if you have gone ‘walkabout’ in the fascinating bazaars then it is either time for traditional mutton kebab or an Afghan ‘burger’ which is an intricately folded, thin naan, stuffed with hardboiled egg, salad, sausage, sliced meat and a fistful of French fries for good measure.

The day is not done though as there is still dinner to plough through and, irrespective of what was served up for lunch, Kabuli pilau may be back on the menu or, as Afghanistan is a tribal melting pot, then it could be the Uzbek version which has sweet corn, red kidney beans and chick peas thrown in too. Or, if you are lucky, you might get that delicious pasta stuffed with minced lamb or minced leeks known as mantu and ashak respectively or, huge koftas on a veritable mountain of spaghetti, or nice and simple roast chicken and fries with salads, yoghurt and naan, followed by something like firni topped with sliced Kiwi fruit imported from China, followed by chewy sweets and yet more tea.

Not everyone in Afghanistan can afford to swamp guests with all of the above, far from it in fact, but even in the poorest of households hospitality is a matter of pride. Sharing a meal with an economically strapped family often means a shared bowl of shorba — meat gravy, very little meat but lots of gravy — in which naan is broken up and soaked in to a delicious mush, with fresh salad on the side and bowls of yoghurt all round with, as always, fresh fruit to follow and if you, unlikely as it sounds, happen to share a meal with the Afghan National Army boys then you will witness just how much an active Afghan can eat and yes — you are expected, all along the line, to do exactly the same!

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine July 12th, 2015

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