‘Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ is the mantra I’ve always believed in. A number of times I’ve come across perfectly normal looking women who are worried about their weight. ‘Does every woman have to be skinny?’ I wonder. ‘We are not actresses or models.’ And why can’t an overweight woman be a model or actress if she is fond of working in showbiz?

“What if I am not beautiful?” asks Sumera, a lecturer at a university. She asks this question in spite of the fact that people often compliment her on her beauty.

Sumera isn’t alone; women in Pakistani society are bombarded with what the ideal woman should look like — fair, slim, tall, with long lustrous hair. And if she fails to meet any of these criteria, everyone, from relatives to male acquaintances, comments on her physical ‘shortcomings’.

####Why are tall, slim and fair women considered the epitome of beauty? It’s time women defined their own ideal of beauty

Aliya, 26, an intern at a multinational pharmaceutical company, realised during her job that being qualified wasn’t enough — one had to be physically attractive too to make it in the corporate world. “There were only two girls in our department and both us being overweight often drew comments from senior men about our bodies and weight,” she says.

Women such as Aliya are reminded again and again that in order to move up the social or corporate ladder, one has to meet the ideals pushed by misogynistic men and a sexist society. They are told — often directly — that if they are overweight, short or have a dark complexion, they are worthless. Nagging relatives shall comment on their physical appearance as if it is something one can switch on or off like a bad habit. The constant negative feedback on one’s appearance can often take a toll on women’s self-esteem.

Maria, who had a weight problem at the age of 18, was distressed every time her uncle and aunt met her as they would start the conversation by discussing her weight. In response to her salaam, they would comment on her weight. Eighteen years down the road, nothing has changed; even at 36, she has to bear with her aunts commenting on her weight in a degrading manner. A woman may be highly qualified, talented and good natured but all that matters are her looks.

While the nations’ media has played a role in pushing what the ideal woman should look like — turn on the television and all you can see are underweight models; tall, attractive and dressed to impress —society seems to have accepted that it is what the average woman should look like. And those women who don’t meet this ideal should be ‘punished’ for it. Young women are fed a narrative by the media: the sole aim of young people, whether men or women, is to look attractive to the opposite gender. And we as a society have bought it and it has brought out the critic in all of us.

We all accept negative comments on women’s bodies by relatives, bystanders and colleagues at work as being the norm instead of the misogyny it really is.

Why are men given such carte blanche in deciding what and how women should look?

Women, if they are overweight are judged by their appearance, and appearance alone; many a time women who go through the ‘drawing room dilemma’ in choosing their spouses are rejected on the basis of their weight.

It’s time to stop mentally and physically torturing ourselves, and focus on being healthy instead of simply losing weight to appear ‘attractive’. Young women, increasingly dissatisfied with their bodies, are depressed and distressed most of the time. How else would an overweight 18-year-old girl feel when the media shows a skinny model as being the epitome of feminine beauty? And she’s told by society that this is the way she should look?

The female form has always been depicted by men artists in their creations but it’s time we created our own ideal female form. Beauty, after all, lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, June 12th, 2016