Dear Azhar Ali, just why aren’t you stepping down as ODI captain now, wasn’t the England drubbing severe enough to teach you a lesson.

‘No man, contrary to the popular belief that I am sticking to my guns here, I am waiting for that lifetime opportunity to get sacked. Boy, what an honour that is. After all, most of my illustrious predecessors were sacked weren’t they…Hafeez Bhai, Waqar Bhai, Afridi Bhai, Haroon Bhai. The latest to join this elite group is Inti bhai (Intikhab). Do you know that he has waited 50 years for this cherished moment.’

Come on Azhar, show some grace for God’s sake. That world record mark set by England in the third game was embarrassing enough for any captain to quit the post, but you are still dragging your feet on the issue.

‘Oh please, it wasn’t just an honour for England, it was a feather in my cap as well since I entered the record books as the only captain ever to have conceded 444 in his leadership. I was over the moon that day.’

So you are not relinquishing the job.

‘No way. The PCB ought to have been wise enough to show me the door when I lost my first series as ODI captain against Bangladesh 3-0 last year. But they didn’t, so why should I quit now, especially when I have done well to prevent Eoin Morgan’s team to inflict a clean sweep.’

You are often blamed to be a weak leader of men and someone who lacks aggression.

‘That’s balderdash. Tell me, how can you expect me to marshall around great, experienced men like Hafeez Bhai, Umar Gul Bhai, Malik Bhai… I just don’t have the guts to dictate terms to them, they will thrash me in the dressing room. Hafeez Bhai is a professor too, so I must give him respect, though he lacks teaching skills.’

What about Wahab Riaz, he is no senior to you. Why are you so afraid to pull him up when he is conceding over 100 runs.

‘Look, Wahab is a raging wolf and I am just a poor lamb compared to him. Why do you want the Little Red Riding Hood to get written all over again.”

Sarfraz Ahmed led the side brilliantly in the T20 game, it is time you handed the reins to him.

‘No, I played Sarfraz in all the five ODIs, but he didn’t include me in his team, otherwise he would have met the same fate as I did. They say Sarfraz dhoka nahin deta, but he sure deceived me there.’

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.

Published in Dawn September 11th, 2016