These jingoists, they have no shame, whatsoever!
Yes, I can hardly bear watching Indian TV channels anymore.
What Indian TV channels? I’m talking about my fellow Pakistanis.
Why, what happened?
Look at this Tweet by a so-called liberal Pakistani. He is mocking Bangladeshis for eating fish, Bhutanese for living on a mountain and says that Afghans are dumping Pakistan to go to the IPL … as refugees!
How is that jingoism?
It’s racism!
Satire is supposed to sting, no?
It’s terrible humor. It is people like him who are isolating Pakistan.
Well, the Russians are here, so are the Chinese; and the Americans too are still around. Seriously, they do matter more than at least Bhutan.
You are being arrogant.
And India is not?
How is mocking poor countries like Bangladesh, Bhutan and Afghanistan, humor?
Pakistan is poor too. How is mocking Pakistan humorous? People mock Pakistan too. But you don’t seem all that upset then.
Stop being an apologist for this kind of hyper-nationalism. It’s tasteless. We need to swallow our pride and recognize India as a bigger power.
But India is poor as well, no?
Well, yes, but it has a globally-recognized film industry.
So this makes it a superpower?
Listen, all I am saying is that so many Pakistani actors and actresses and singers are embraced by Bollywood. Now they will all be chucked out.
That would be bigotry.
How so? India has every right to do that. We send terrorists into their country and …
They do too.
What proof do you have?
What proof do you have? And please do not talk about pigeons.
There is enough proof.
That RAW guy they arrested from Balochistan a few months ago …
Lies!
How do you know that?
I just do.
Gut feeling?
You can call it that.
And a few captured pigeons, maybe?
Not funny.
Okay, I understand, it has now become tough to visit literary festivals and conferences in India but …
Oh, so you think this is why I am so upset?
Yes.
That’s sheer arrogance. You have become a warmonger.
Dude, have you watched any Indian news channels lately?
Yes, I have. They have every right to feel angry.
Just because India has a large film industry?
Not funny. All these great Pakistani artistes will be chucked out from India.
Sad, indeed, but why are you so hung up about that? You can still visit India and talk about all the horrible things Pakistan has done in the region, no? It’s not like you had a Bollywood career that has come to an end.
Actually, I almost did.
What?
I signed two films in India in June this year. Both starring Salman Khan.
Really? That’s awesome! I did know you were a budding actor. So what will you be appearing as?
Well, in one film I’ll be appearing as a coffee table and in the other as a sofa.
What?
In one film I’ll be appearing as a coffee table and in …
Yes, yes, I heard. But what sort of roles are these, mate?
Why? What’s wrong with playing a coffee table or a sofa? You are being a racist here.
Against whom?
Against coffee tables and sofas.
Seriously?
I am always serious, unlike that pathetic, bigoted so-called satirist you were just defending.
To hell with him, but please, please do explain how is one a racist towards a coffee table and a sofa.
An Indian coffee table and sofa.
Indian, as in made in India?
I’m not sure. Let me check the script.
You were given a script to play a coffee table and a sofa?
Now you are being prejudiced and stereotypical about coffee tables and sofas.
But they are inanimate objects.
That’s such a prejudiced statement. So what if they are inanimate?
Why can’t the directors just put some real tables and sofas in the films?
That’ll be so uninteresting. We Pakistanis are so uncreative.
That’s such a prejudiced statement.
Ha! You are all in denial. Always denying the truth.
That’s such a prejudiced statement.
It’s the truth!
So is the fact that tables and sofas are lifeless objects and a man being asked to play them in a Bollywood film is ridiculous.
It’s at least a start.
To what?
To going on to bag bigger roles.
Like what? Playing king size beds and chandeliers?
What’s so wrong in playing beds and chandeliers, racist?
Well, good luck. But do tell what sort of a sofa are you playing?
A shiny leather one in the hero’s TV lounge.
Interesting.
Thanks.
Cow leather?
That’s bigoted and insensitive of you.
I know, I can get lynched in India for saying that.
As if nobody gets lynched in Pakistan.
But India is such a bastion of tolerance, no?
It is.
Except when it comes to things like cows, Kashmir and …
Kashmiris are dancing to the tune of terrorists sent by Pakistan.
And the captured pigeons said so?
The whole world knows.
By world you mean Bangladesh, Afghanistan and Bhutan?
Ha! Another racist statement.
Very well. I should go now. What are you doing tomorrow?
Nothing. I’ll just stay at home.
Oh, come on, cheer up. It’s not the end of the world. It’s silly of India to mix politics with sports and the arts.
What else should I do? Bigots and warmongers like you are messing things up.
Hey, chin up. You are a talented guy. Who knows, maybe the Bhutanese film industry is looking for Pakistanis who can play sofas and tables.
Get out.
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Eras