Having a chance to get together in a cosy environment over sumptuous chows amid hearty talk is the stuff of dreams, isn’t it? Of course it is. We all love to do that. And by simple extension of this even simpler logic, there is no reason for Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) to be any different. Only, it has to make it sound a bit bombastic and ensure that the talk is more officious than hearty. The critical component in either case is that it does not happen to be a thoughtful result-oriented process. The only target in the former scenario is to have fun, and in the latter, to put up a façade of officialdom so that the ongoing fun may be extended.

According to a recent press release issued by the PCB headquarters, the chairman “has decided to hold a roundtable conference of current and former Test players … in order to seek their views on the improvement of Pakistan national and junior team’s performance.” Wow! No, seriously, it’s a Wow! moment.

Had it been some spark of creative brilliance, one would have surely stood impressed. But we have been down that road on an irritatingly high number of times. And there is nothing on the ground to suggest that anything worthwhile was ever said. And if it were, whether anybody listened. And if anybody listened, whether anybody understood. And if anybody understood, if anybody thought about it. And if anybody thought about it, whether anything ever got implemented.

That being so, one may wonder why it is a Wow! moment. It is simple actually. Creating the facade of taking everyone on board is the easiest way to deflect responsibility for some recent chaos, and for the PCB to be seen as doing something in the wake of that chaos. It also gets to buy time by telling all concerned that the board is busy evaluating the ‘valuable suggestions put forward by the legends of the game.’

When the agenda is ‘comprehensive’, it is often a euphemism for meaningless. With nothing particular in focus, it is an occasion to create a cacophony of voices rather than consensus

For the politically-minded, it is like the famous and frequent All-Parties’ Conferences (APCs) that the government of the time keeps holding without listening. Pakistan Hockey Federation (PHF) does it every time there is a change in its hierarchy, which often happens when the team suffers some big embarrassment even by its own embarrassingly low standards. PCB does it when caught with its pants down. Tauqir Zia did it. Naseem Ashraf did it. Shahrayar Khan did it the first time round and the disaster in Australia is making him do it again.

A look at the agenda is enough to underscore the lack of focus in the exercise. Circulated by the media department and available on the official website, the main items on the agenda will be: improving team performance; domestic structure; improvement of pitches; coaching of national and junior teams; and encouraging foreign teams to tour Pakistan. It is hard to imagine a wider agenda. Perhaps the only item not on the agenda is the dishes that may be served as lunch during matches. They might as well put it on the agenda for they have nothing to lose.

If the PCB has a list of foreign names associated with the team and yet has to crowd-source its policy-making activity, it only makes public what the public already knows: that the PCB does not have much of a brain in its mechanism. The PCB would love to call the agenda ‘comprehensive’ which happens to be a wonderful euphemism in the world of rhetoric for ‘meaningless.’

If you need an example, just think why no one in PCB ever has sought to seek opinion while appointing a foreign coach. It is because the agenda has a point of focus and the (battle) lines would be clearly drawn on the issue. The PCB would never want that as the verdict might go against what might have been decided already. In this case, it helps to keep the agenda wide and call as many guests as one can get hold of, which, in turn, helps to keep the focus diluted and spare blushes.

The list of invitees just goes to prove the point. It includes Imran Khan, Zaheer Abbas, Javed Miandad, Wasim Bari, Abdul Qadir, Iqbal Qasim, Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, Aaqib Javed, Shoaib Akhtar, Aamir Sohail, Rashid Latif, Moin Khan, Misbah ul Haq, Younus Khan, Saeed Ajmal and Bazid Khan. And for those of you who may have already started worrying, the know-it-all-guru-who-could-never-do-it-himself Ramiz Raja will also be there. For the fans — if any are still left — of Intikhab Alam, there is still hope

as the press release, after enumerating all the names, has left the field open with the phrase, “and several others.”

The event will be co-chaired by Chief Selector Inzamam ul Haq and Director of Academies Mudassar Nazar. National Cricket Academy Head Coach Mushtaq Ahmed will be the coordinator. Also in attendance will be chairmen of various committees as well as members of the board of governors. And, indeed, the PCB chairman will be there in all his glory.

A ‘comprehensive’ agenda, ‘star’ speakers, and officialdom in its pomp — it’s a lethal combination that ensures no progress on any count. That is what the target usually is behind such an exercise. It may not be good for Pakistan cricket, but it is definitely good for the Pakistan Cricket Board. If you think it is being implied that the two might be different entities, you are dead right!

humair.ishtiaq@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine February 12th, 2017