Photography: Fayyaz Ahmed
Aamir’s only feedback on the review, conveyed to me through a mutual friend who was one of his closest friends, was about a line that had linked the song ‘Mera Pyar’ to his “recent painful divorce.” He wanted me to know that I had got it wrong. I felt mortified about my assumptions about a deeply personal matter and told our mutual friend to convey to him my deepest apologies. A few months before his death, Aamir would tell an interviewer that Mera Pyar was indeed about his divorce.
One often hears the cliché of the tortured artist and, in most cases, it is hyperbole, a marketing gimmick spread by artists themselves and even less-talented writers too reliant on easy tropes. But Aamir embodied the phrase like few others. For a man so incredibly talented and generous of heart — he was always ready to give time and guidance to young musicians — there also lurked within him a darkness. Mostly, he had no control over it; he suffered from severe depression that various bouts of therapy had not been able to contain. But he was also self-destructive in many ways, mainly because he simply thought it beneath himself to do any public relationing.
In conversations with me, he would often put down the abilities of other musicians, especially some who had risen to the heights of fame. He may have been perfectly correct in his assessments, perfectionist that he was, but one always got the feeling his brashness would not help him advance his career. He often alienated those who could have helped promote him.
Perhaps Aamir didn’t feel he needed it. But it didn’t help that he also was not producing much in the way of original music either. And it didn’t help that in a society like Pakistan’s, all his musical references were alien to its cultures. There’s a lesson in the fact that the only vocalised song of his which caught the public imagination was ‘Mera Pyar’, which was in Urdu unlike some of his other attempts. But he obstinately refused to accept this reality.
When he finally made an appearance in 2014 on Coke Studio, I was overjoyed. In just two song appearances — in which he was deservedly given centre-stage — he blew everyone’s mind with his sheer virtuosity, note perfect performance and quiet command. He also looked better than he had in ages. It felt like perhaps Aamir had decided to emerge from his cave, to thrust himself and his talent once again on the world after spending years in contemplative meditation.
But it was not to be. Aamir soon disappeared again. I used to keep hearing about how he was doing through our mutual friend and the stories were not always heartening. Yet when the news came, it was still devastating. One simply does not expect anyone to go at that age.
Even more than the talent we lost too soon, I mourned the loss of a friend who, on his good days, could light up the room with his smile; whose eyes sparkled with passion when we discussed music projects. And I mourn that despite a wider understanding of the need for professional counseling, collectively we could not stop him from being swallowed by his darkness.
The writer is a filmmaker and Dawn’s Editor Magazines
Published in Dawn, ICON, June 11th, 2017