One of my favourite movie lines comes from “The Jerk,” a 1979 comedy that was Steve Martin’s first film.

“I don’t care about losing all the money. It’s losing all the stuff,” whines Bernadette Peters, playing the lead character’s girlfriend, in a memorable meow.

Which brings us this week to “stuff” and how it gets divvied up among families when parents die.

Dividing up “the stuff” is a big deal as 76 million baby boomers head into their later years with a collection of valuables and memories.

David Landau of Potomac, Maryland, sent me an email: “Years ago, dad invited my brother, sister and I to my parents’ house. When we arrived dad had laid out all of the household artwork, photos of furniture, books and other ‘tchotchkes’ into the living room.

“Then he gave each of us $2,000 in monopoly money and announced he would conduct an auction.

“If any of us wanted something of my parents after they were gone this gave us the opportunity to bid on it. Not only did the auction determine who got what, but my parents had a great time watching us bid on stuff that wasn’t worth $2 but had special meaning to us.

Dividing up “the stuff” is a big deal as 76 million baby boomers head into their later years with a collection of valuables and memories

“I have had friends fight with siblings over their parents’ stuff — not the expensive stuff, but odds and ends that each child wanted. My dad avoided this problem brilliantly.”

People accumulate a mountain of memories over a lifetime. But how to divide it up without going Corleone? Some distributions are actually hostile takeovers, with one sibling emptying the house completely.

“As soon as Mom goes to a nursing home, or even before, her son Sam is headed into the house to start taking the things he wants,” said Tim Price, a lawyer practicing in wills and estates with Ethridge, Quinn in Rockville, Maryland. “The best way to distribute your estate is while you are still alive.”

Price recommends a family meeting to clear the air while the parents are still alive, much like the one the Landaus had. Set a date. Have everyone present. And be transparent.

“Make sure your intentions are clear to all of your children,” Price said. “Do not be afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings. Make notes of the meeting, and place those notes with your will so it will be found when someone goes looking.”

Grandchildren should speak up as well. “If a child has an item they really want, they should tell Mom and Dad,” Price said.

Some families break up the household in a very gentle way, over time, with a living elder distributing things quietly.

“When my grandmother stopped entertaining, she had a list, and each time a grandchild visited, she had a gift for that grandchild, said Paul Schervish, retired director at the Boston College Centre on Wealth and Philanthropy.

My godmother sent me her Syracuse China while still in her 80s. She gave me a rosary she had and some photos that were precious to her. My wife and I bring out the beautiful china every Thanksgiving and Christmas.

If you don’t have the meeting before Mom and Dad die, you can hold one afterward. Price encourages survivors to set a date, meet at the house and divide up the goods.

“When it came to stuff in the house, first we divided special dishes and stuff in the china cabinet four ways. Then we had a lottery almost like Major League Baseball,” Schervish said. “The oldest got to choose first. Then we reversed. Then we did 2, 3, 4, 1, and kept rotating it the same way.”

Schervish said his family’s distribution was a peaceful process: “Sometimes your heart leads you to provide someone else in the family with something you wanted.”

Not all families are so peaceful. They require a referee or some sort of imposed discipline.

If you don’t want to hold a family meeting, “make a list if you want certain property to go to certain individuals,” Price said. “If not, expect a problem. After you pass away, there will be a problem.”

Whether married, widowed, divorced, single or part of a couple without kids, Price encourages people to think early about what happens to their personal stuff after they are gone.

Price has one client, still alive, who has a collection of autographs of prominent politicians and socialites.

“She has no family, so she made me a really long list of this photo of so-and-so signed by such-and-such, and this should go to this person or this museum,” he said.

When the client dies, Price said, he will hire an appraiser to see what the collection and its pieces are worth. But the client made it much easier by designating who gets what.

Things can get ugly when left to the children.

“A lot of times, you find older clients don’t want to make a list,” Price said. “They don’t want to insult their kids by trying to divvy up the property. Mom and Dad have faith the kids will do the right thing. To be honest, more often than not that doesn’t happen.”

The consequences can be fraught.

Price recalled two heirs who tried to cheat a third, learning-disabled sibling, out of money that the parents had left. Price successfully sued the two older siblings to make sure that the youngest got his fair share and a chance to have a decent life.

Even the Landaus’ friendly family meeting had a little edge to it.

“My brother wanted a living room chair that had belonged to my grandparents,” David Landau recalled. “I knew my brother wanted that chair, so I purposely drove up the bidding.”

Landau’s dad passed away a few weeks ago. The family resurrected the list and spent an afternoon reliving the fun of the auction on that long-ago afternoon — and appreciating their father’s inspired idea.

Landau can look to a Baltimore Colts bobblehead as a memento of the times his opera-loving, stamp-collecting dad took him to football games.

“I would have gone all-in to get that bobblehead,” Landau said. “It’s the only thing in the living room with my fingerprints on it.”

The Washington Post Service

Published in Dawn, The Business and Finance Weekly, June 4th, 2018