This is the friend who borrowed your new book from you even before you had read it yourself. This is the friend whom you have known for many years and this is also the friend you helped with homework assignments many times when she was clueless about how to do them, while you still had a pile of homework to finish off after you helped her sort her work out. Then you stayed up late working on your assignment at the risk of being caught by your parents for staying up so late.

Sometimes, friends are funny, exciting and close to our heart, but there are times when they can be hurtful and mean. They may develop the

habit of putting you down in front of other people. There may have been a few times when you were praised for something by everyone you know: family, friends and friends of friends. But the one person whom you expected to be over the moon about this, that is your best friend, stayed tight-lipped and quiet and actually didn’t say a word.

And you realise and recall that there have been a few more times that your friend just let the opportunity to say something nice to you just go by without so much as uttering a single word. This is definitely not the way you responded when she wore a new outfit, got good marks in the chemistry test or won a prize at the school debate.

You become puzzled and confused at this new type of behaviour from your best friend, who you thought you knew better than yourself. Is she jealous of you?

You can’t believe that a good friend can be jealous of you. But this is obvious when a friend either disappears on you when something nice is happening to you or makes fun of your happiness and success. So how are you going to deal with this behaviour that suggests resentment on your friend’s part?

First, let us learn to recognise the signs that your friend may be jealous.

Most of the time, the response has to do with things that the friend has not said. For example, you may be madly excited about your new tablet or watch that your dad got for you, but your friend either pretends to be busy when you are telling her about it, or is tight-lipped or says something really short such as ‘great!’

You tell your friend you have been selected for the school play which you have been trying hard for since last year, but your friend can only manage a flat “Congratulations!” It leaves you feeling puzzled and, honestly speaking, a little down.

One of the earliest sign of jealousy is that your friend seems occupied with other stuff when something exciting is happening with you. Or they could go past your good news quickly and move on to something else. You may even notice that your friend belittles your good news, implying that it is not an extraordinary thing, but one that is happening all the time to everyone.

Your mum might have prepared a delicious lunch for when your friends came over on a special day in the lockdown, promising to wear masks and keep social distancing. She even ordered online themed masks for everyone as a surprise giveaway that you and your other friends loved, but your best friend just made it into a poorly received joke saying that they are bad quality or really cheap. Or that the lunch is giving her tummy issues.

When she is trying to steal the limelight or attention away from you, it means that this person is jealous and deep down they even know that they are wrong in their behaviour.

Jealous people cannot bear to see attention being given anywhere else and will move the attention or conversation back to themselves. While jealousy is often negative, it should not be mistaken as competitiveness as the latter is not negative.

Jealousy and envy are siblings. Usually these feelings exist together. When a person feels that they have not achieved as much as you or not got what you have, they feel a desire for that achievement and want it for themselves.

If you are thinking next time you won’t tell them about something nice that has happened to you, that is not the correct approach. If you downplay your happy moments, you are helping them continue to be a jealous person. It is fine to create a comfortable atmosphere around your friends, but you don’t have to become a nothing to make them feel comfortable. You are who you are, and they have to love and accept you for it.

Remember, instead of creating a comfort zone around this person, it is far more important to build and work on your own comfort zone. What makes you feel okay and comfortable, and what throws you out of it. What you should do is to tell your friend about your happy moment and then go on to talk about something else.

Stay strong in who you are. It is your friend who needs to do some self-reflection and look at the positives in their life and deal with the negatives. It would be unfair on you if you hide things from them just because you know or think that these things would upset them.

Before you think of never speaking to that jealous friend again, remember that you don’t have to get rid of someone who behaves badly. Bad behaviour needs a certain kind of response from you that we will term as ‘being addressed’ by you. Then we will see if the bad behaviour goes away or stays, or is changed a little bit for the better.

A jealous person usually knows that they are jealous. That cold or upsetting remark that your friend just made is not all about what’s happening with you at present. This is linked to something that is deeply rooted in the jealous person’s life. It could be a sad or bad event, and it is triggering off the bad behaviour.

This jealous person could be having trouble dealing with his or her own feelings and deep inside the layers of negative feelings, this jealous friend still likes you, admires you, and could be supportive and encouraging of all your achievements and qualities.

So how should you deal with this person? With a jealous friend, you have to make up your mind and be clear on what is okay with you and what is not. You need to know where you would like to draw a line. And since this is a situation that you could be dealing with for the first time, you may need to learn the right way to handle it. For this, start by discussing it with an elder to clear your mind, especially one who knows that jealous friend. You could always discuss with a parent, teacher, trusted elder or sibling. They can act as a moderator or simply give you ideas of how to handle the situation.

To an unkind remark, you can approach the jealous person and tell him or her that this remark is upsetting and unacceptable, and needs an apology. If the person insists on continuing the bad behaviour and making off remarks at you then you have to think twice about keeping that friendship or not.

If at this point your friend shows no remorse and makes no effort to save the friendship, then the healthiest and best choice for you also is to let go of this person and move on. It may be difficult but it is not impossible. Positive, happy people always find friends, it is the negative ones that should worry about what they are going to do without friends.

Published in Dawn, Young World, August 22nd, 2020