The great Greek philosopher and thinker Aristotle believed that the natural path to knowledge starts from a state of somewhat confused awareness. He meant it with regard to the study of physics, but perhaps the same can be said about travellers who set their compass north amidst a global pandemic, taking the road once less travelled.  

We too joined their ranks when we bravely led our entourage of four-by-fours and sedans down the expressway. Our faith blindly placed in the heavenly, satellite-driven navigation skills of Google Maps. Armed with masks, face shields and enough disinfectant to sterilise a surgery room, our caravan of overthinkers felt prepared to tackle what lay ahead.

As per custom, we had panicked prior to departure, argued over destinations and envisioned the worst possibilities in weather and circumstances, throwing items in the luggage to ease our respective fears.

The absence of a weight limit only made matters worse, and the overstuffed trunks promised enough supplies to survive severe famine, floods and, possibly, even a zombie apocalypse in the mesmerising valleys of Hunza and Kashmir.

But Aristotle’s promised natural path presented us with challenges we had not anticipated. Thus forcing us to ponder over philosophical and life-altering questions: Should we obey the British Viceroy of Google Maps Voice Navigation commanding us to ‘Take the next exit on Alley Bat-tea Road’ (Ali Bhatti Road), or follow the path the wise, local guide had suggested?

Google Maps can take one to destinations unknown, if you follow the directions blindly

When the coward Viceroy abandoned us mid-route, feigning weak GPS signals, it forced us to look within ourselves and really ask the big questions: ‘What to do now and, more importantly, who do we blame?’

Prior to the journey, I had quickly — and, in retrospect, naïvely — called shotgun. The decision had sealed my ill-fate as watch leader and designated map reader, the latter leading me to be conveniently blamed for any failures arising in the navigation department.

As watch leader, I was tasked with ensuring our voyage crew had a safe and exciting experience. This included maintaining thermostat readings, preventing mutinies, should they arise, by threatening to confiscate all electronic devices and, every 10 miles, playing the ‘Notorious RBG.’ I added my own personal touch to the last one — resolving disputes that had spontaneously erupted with regard to territory and property with a swift movement of my plastic gavel.

But while I enjoyed a position of power in some ways, as designated map reader, I was condemned to a life as an assistant — serving the Great Delphic Oracle, occasionally speaking and frequently taking the blame on her behalf. I had innocently assumed she would be our sole saviour in the labyrinth that lay before us, saving the men of our clan from the revolting idea of stopping to ask for directions and allowing us to deflect all ‘are we there yet?’ questions in her direction.

Instead, I found myself in the middle of a controversial trial, accused of misguidance. As the journey progressed, Google Maps had proceeded to guide us towards our destination. But her time estimates were way off and her prophecies remain unfulfilled. We did not reach our destination by 5:42 pm, as promised; nor was there a McDonald’s Happy Meal waiting to be devoured at the pin she had promised. One missed exit and she would re-route in a flash, leaving me confused and unsure if I should suggest turning around or continue on the new suggested route, which was just 40 minutes longer.

In December 2017, Google Maps had directed unsuspecting drivers towards the heart of the California fires. A year before that, she got away with attempted murder, when she misguided demolition personnel to knock down the wrong house. As fate had it, the owners survived her murderous plot. In 2015, the New York State found that it was her suggestive voice that lured drivers to turn left and run over pedestrians at crossings.

Programmed to take the shortest route, she often chose one that was most likely to get us mugged. After one nine-hour journey, we went around the same road thrice, hoping to find a cut to our hotel that did not exist.

Perhaps, I would have had better luck with a sextant and the stars.

With everyone tired, hungry and annoyed for being lost, the court would be adjourned, my plastic gavel coming down on the dashboard quite quickly. The verdict: guilty.

When I tried to point out the obvious errors in the app, the jury, convinced that ‘that’ woman could never be wrong, silenced any talk of her having any malicious intent. It was my word against her satellite mapped ways, some of which, I maintain, were outdated and needed a major update.

Desperate to prove my innocence, I did what anyone in my position would have done: a quick Google search. Oh, the irony! — It led me to dig up enough dirt to expose her.

In December 2017, Google Maps had directed unsuspecting drivers towards the heart of the California fires. A year before that, she got away with attempted murder, when she misguided demolition personnel to knock down the wrong house. As fate had it, the owners survived her murderous plot. In 2015, the New York State found that it was her suggestive voice that lured drivers to turn left and run over pedestrians at crossings.

I presented my findings, but these 21st-century sirens have them all in a trance. These pixellated sirens were enticing men around the world with their sultry British enunciations, whispering sweet nothings and luring lost drivers, like us, through uncharted terrain off cliffs and into the dark abyss.  

We were on a winding path at an elevation of 10,000 feet when she insisted we ‘Take the next left.’ ‘Turn left,’ she repeated.

“It is a vertical fall, leading off the cliff deep down into the heart of the valley,” I protested.

“Probably some shortcut,” our designated driver said, a bit too defensively, “But let’s just take the right because I think I see our signboard up ahead.”

“Good call,” I said, easing my grip on the seat belt.

In the background, Google Maps was re-routing and re-plotting.

The great Aristotle once said, “Choice, not chance, determines your destiny.” And on a road trip it might be the determining factor of your final destination.

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 8th, 2020