Convinced by our prime minister, through a series of letters mailed to Geneva, the European Union has decided to reject modernity and formally adopt Pakistan’s blasphemy laws.

France is among the many countries that will start executing people for upsetting religious beliefs, in the true spirit of free speech and tolerance. Switzerland, meanwhile, has written just as many letters back saying, ‘We are not part of the EU but we’ve forwarded your dispatches to Brussels.’

The prime minister, who understands the West better than the West understands itself, also wrote to the United States, applauding its recent decision to stop fighting America’s war in Afghanistan. “American interests have nothing to do with the United States, just like they had nothing to do with Pakistan. It was a terrible decision. Afghanistan is called the graveyard of umpires for a reason.”

The European Union (EU) had earlier expressed concerns that Pakistan’s blasphemy laws continue to endanger minority lives. The prime minister explained in the letters that minorities have all the freedom in this country, to leave whenever they want and to fill out very compelling asylum applications.

Just as the media has all the freedom in the world to publish anything, from prison. To mark Press Freedom Day recently, the prime minister assured the public that his government was working to free many journalists missing from prior abductions.

The prime minister goes on a letter-writing spree

When asked about the letters, the prime minister explained that he was unable to meet the late Tehreek-i-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP) leader’s demand to nuke France because that may have convinced the EU to take away Pakistan’s preferential trade (GSP+) status.

As a result, to make a statement over blasphemous cartoons, a somewhat loose motion was put in the National Assembly in April for the expulsion of the French ambassador. Then another motion was tabled to help the ambassador collect his things, pack his bags and negotiate the lease on the car he’s been driving in Islamabad.

Finally, the solution came to the prime minister that we don’t need to expel the ambassador and incur more government debt while paying off a Pajero; we can just turn France into Pakistan.

In other letters addressed to various world leaders, the prime minister suggested to Indian PM Modi that he could tackle the Covid pandemic in India better through consensus. “In any strong democracy, it’s the military that makes the decisions, so we let them handle our protocols, our roads, our airlines, our steel mills and our fast food.”

The European Union (EU) had earlier expressed concerns that Pakistan’s blasphemy laws continue to endanger minority lives. The prime minister explained in the letters that minorities have all the freedom in this country, to leave whenever they want and to fill out very compelling asylum applications.

The prime minister also wrote to Bill Gates saying we have become an example to the world on how to deal with Covid after a report came out that Pakistan had purchased some of the least amount of vaccines in the Eastern Hemisphere.

“Our smart lockdowns and adherence to SOPs are being followed everywhere in the world. Everywhere except Pakistan,” he said. Bill Gates is still confused as to why he was the subject of this correspondence.

When Oman, Norway, Iran and Qatar introduced travel restrictions for Pakistani passport holders last month, the prime minister also wrote an open letter to anyone looking for advice on boosting tourism.

He wrote letters to his own cabinet saying that, taking inspiration from the Turkish drama Ertugrul, we should introduce television serials about important historical figures in Pakistan. “You know, people like Double Shah, Engineer Agha Waqar. People our society can look up to.”

He further intoned that we must look to Allama Iqbal’s life as a model of guidance. He recommended Iqbal Studies for the new curriculum in schools. “We should all follow the things Iqbal said.” When one of the ministers asked if he meant ‘Saare jahaan se achha, Hindustan hamara’, the prime minister advised him to ignore that part — a U-turn is a natural part of great leadership.

Finally, writing to the opposition on Thursday, he said that he did not like it when people called him ‘Selected Prime Minister’, and thus his party had moved to ban the term in the National Assembly. In fact, he went on to write, he did not like being called ‘Elected Prime Minister’ either, and preferred Supreme Leader. “Or if that comes across as too self-aggrandising, how about Magnificent Radiant Resplendent Light of the World?”

He wrote that he was unimpressed with voting for legislation, and the 18th Amendment, and having to follow legal principles in apprehending his rival politicians.

“How can anyone get anything done like this? I don’t want to argue with the opposition, I want to put them in jail. Who came up with this constitution anyway? I think I’ll write to them too.”

The writer is a medical adventurer who has almost died on three continents

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 16th, 2021