It all started with the killing of a journalist who was hiding, first in Dubai, then Nairobi. This murder prompted a press conference from the main intelligence chief saying it wasn’t us, it was the Kenyan police. The journalist was shot ‘accidentally’, Kenyan police claimed; they swear they meant to kill someone else.

Then another TV anchor went into hiding abroad. This was of course long after another journalist had been picked up in July for anti-establishment remarks. As you know, the Kenyan police have a long history of ‘accidentally’ abducting journalists, dissidents and critics of state institutions throughout Pakistan’s history.

But the accidents didn’t stop there. Earlier this month, there was a shooting at Imran Khan’s container as he made his way through Wazirabad on the Grand Trunk Road, killing one and leaving 14 injured, including Khan himself.

A single man with a pistol confessed that he had fired the bullets and a police report was eventually registered after almost four days and the involvement of the Supreme Court, but not to Khan’s satisfaction. Khan wanted the incumbent prime minister Shehbaz Sharif, interior minister Rana Sanaullah — everyone’s first choice whenever a mass shooting happens, just look at that moustache — and a major general’s name to be added to the First Information Report (FIR), as those behind the plot to have him assassinated.

There’s nothing so absurd about Pakistani politics that cannot be made worse by public statements…

The prime minister immediately responded by saying that he will have a judicial committee investigate the shooting, as the only plots that interest him are all in London.

The major general for the Kenyan police declined to comment.

Not to be left behind, in the middle of all this, Shah Mahmood Qureshi injured himself when his head hit an overhead bridge, presumably because it was built by the opposition.

The container and accom­panying cavalcade were headed for Islamabad. Yet again. First, Khan held the ‘long march’ from the Prime Minister’s Office to Bani Gala. Then he took to the streets to protest against an ‘imported’ government, then against his disqualification in the Toshakhana case, and now he’s calling for early elections.

The march was supposed to go from Lahore to Islamabad but then had to turn back to Lahore, then to Gujranwala, then to Wazirabad, then (if reports were to be believed) to Lala Musa and, finally realising why no one ever stops at Lala Musa, it may move straight to Rawalpindi if Khan is barred entry into Islamabad.

Obviously, these events have turned the long march into an even longer march. It remains to be seen when Khan will try and make it to Islamabad again because, other than the threat to his life, by the time the march gets to Islamabad to call for early elections, it might already be time for elections.

In any case, there were protests in every major city by Khan’s supporters. Tyres were said to be burnt in Lahore as well, but you couldn’t tell because winters in Lahore look like things are being burnt all day, every day. Some social media users were also reporting tanks on the streets. Nobody needs tanks to intimidate civilians, all it takes is one luxury vehicle.

Even the US, which Khan accuses of having him removed from office, said violence has no place in politics. They made this statement as their politicians sent armaments to a dozen countries across the world.

Of course, Pakistanis are no strangers to attempted assassinations. Our very first prime minister was gunned down. Our ninth prime minister was killed by Gen Ziaul Haq using something far more dangerous than bullets: our justice system. Gen Pervez Musharraf too had several attempts on his life. And then there were, of course, Benazir Bhutto, Hayat Sherpao, Zahoor Elahi, Bashir Ahmed Bilour, among others. And now, Imran Khan.

For a good few years, Khan was photographed walking hand in hand with the proverbial umpires, holding meetings, letting go of meetings, giving extensions, wondering why he doesn’t have any left at home. He was saying they were on the same page, but they were reading completely different books. At the end of the day, well, it’s usually midnight, and the umpires get to make all the decisions.

The three-time-deposed, two-time-in-exile, still-counting-his-platelets Nawaz Sharif knows this all too well. Imran Khan, meanwhile, is learning this after a tumultuous year of marching, making speeches and marching while making speeches, yet absolutely nothing has changed.

You could ask another umpire for a referral, but see where that got South Africa the other week in the T20 World Cup.

Khan’s criticism of a state institution that can no longer legally be criticised could cost him another disqualification from holding public office. The Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) already disqualified him but Khan still won a by-election somehow. If he is disqualified from the National Assembly, I wonder what election he will win next.

Apparently, there’s some confusion as to who’s qualified to disqualify him. Maybe if they try disqualifying him over the Official Secrets Act, the third time will be the charm.

The writer is a medical tourist who has almost died on three continents

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 13th, 2022