I want you all to know that, no matter what everyone else says about it, I don’t take my country for granite for one second even. But if I had only one wish in the whole wild world, you know what it would be? To be an ex-Pak.

You tau know I’m a pukka patriot, so natch, I wouldn’t ever want to be a migrant — and also because migrants are all taxi drivers and master jees sitting behind sowing machines in dry cleaners and you tau know kay that’s just not me.

But being an ex-Pak living abroad, now that would be totally tabahi. I could live in Singapore if it wasn’t so bore and so humid. Or I could live in Canada if it wasn’t so bore and so cold. Or I could live In New Zealand if it wasn’t so bore and so far. Or I could live in Dubai or I could live in London and I could be totally okay with both.

Vaisay Dubai is also hotter than a tandoor for half the year so, for that reason, I think so London is best allrounder. Except kay pounds have become more expensive than coke ain even, so how to live in London? But oho, I forgot! I wouldn’t be a Pak tourist visiting London and dying a hundred deafs everytime I had to spend a pound even, but an actual khaata peeta ex-Pak living in London and earning in pounds and pees.

You can be a pukka patriot and live abroad as an ex-pat. In fact, that would be the best of both worlds. But you must choose where carefully…

Except for one small problem: I’ve never earned anything in my life apart from my afternoon nap. I wouldn’t know where to start even. But we’ll across that bridge when we come to it. Why should I worry fazool mein from now only?

If I was an ex-Pak I would also never need to get visas sheezas to go anywhere because I’d have a thuppa in my passport that would say that I’m most welcome everywhere. America, France, Spain, Italy they’d all receive me with open arms. Except for sarrhial Modi who won’t let me come to his country but, baba, as I see it, it’s his loss.

I could also jump into a plane and zoom over to Lahore and Karachi whenever I felt like it so I’d never miss a single society shaadi or party and so I wouldn’t become cut off like some ex-Paks who’ve been living abroad for years and years and fallen off everyone’s radar.

But problem would be if I was working in London as an ex-Pak, then how I would get chhuttis all the time to attend parties in Lahore? These bankers shankers, they tau work around the clog in London. Year in, year out.

Also, there are no servants — only cleaners who come and clean and then go and to whom you have to say thank you hundred hundred times. So you have to become your own maid servant and make your own tea and do your own londry and do your own ironing and do your own cooking and even your own dishwashing. Even thinking about it makes my head pain.

Chalo, maybe I’ll settle in Dubai then. At least I’ll have a round-the-clog Sri Lankan there if not a Filipina. Vaisay, in Dubai tau people are having two two, three three. And drivers on top. And also Dubai is more convenient for attending all those destination weddings in places like Koh Samurai and Mawrishus. From London they’re so far, and flight is so long you get jet lack for a whole week afterwards.

The more I thing about it, the more better Dubai seems. And in summers tau there’s always the option of visiting London. As an ex-Pak from Dubai it won’t be any problem, because I won’t have an issue with visa or rupees. And as everyone knows, Britishers tau love anyone from these sandy type places na. Nightsbridge and Chelsea and Bell Grave Ya are full of UAE wallahs and Saudis and Qataris and all, zooming around in their big black cars with shaded windows and all. Way to go, yaar.

But meanwhiles tau, I’m here only. Sigh. Country may be going to the docks but at least mausam is nice and I’m not in jail or on bail or in hospital. Thanks God for small messes.

The writer is a columnist and a satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
She tweets @Moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 9th, 2023