Prologue

In her dream, Noor yelled and screamed, as her mother dragged her six-year-old self by the arm to a small storeroom to lock her up as punishment. There were steel trunks against three walls and the fourth had a door that looked like a monster’s mouth. Noor cried and begged her mother not to lock her in, promising that she would forever be good, but her pleas were ignored. She was shoved into the storeroom and the door was locked from the outside.

Enveloped in the cold and dark, she stood shivering, deriving comfort from the quivering line of light that peered from between the cold floor and the steel door. Her heart racing, eyes shut tight and fists clenched, Noor stopped crying, lest the sound attract some monster or the big black ants who could eat her alive. But, somewhere a monster had awakened.

From the corner of the storeroom, she heard the sound of a body dragging itself along. She opened her eyes and saw before her a woman, her chin resting on her chest, hair in disarray, her fiery red eyes staring straight into Noor’s. She had a troubled, sinister expression on her face, and Noor thought the woman was possessed by the devil.

Noor knew she could keep the woman at bay only if she prayed. Bringing her shivering palms together, she whispered, “Save me God, for I am powerless before this evil,” over and over again. Distracted by a sound, Noor turned her head, her prayer briefly interrupted. In that moment of inattention, the monstrous woman lunged forward.

A terrified and crying Noor yelled and banged on the door with all her might. But no one heard her cries. With cold and clammy hands, she turned the door’s knob furiously over and over again, till the door miraculously opened and she escaped.

Ayesha Husain’s debut novel What More Could She Possibly Want? tells the tale of a woman struggling to balance her inner and her outer worlds as she finds herself increasingly trapped between the demands of society and tradition on the one hand and her own individuality and desires on the other. Eos presents, with permission, exclusive excerpts from the book…

Upon waking, Noor was able to recall with utmost clarity her panic and guilt as she was led towards the storeroom. She remembered the feeling of terror, as she stood helpless before the sinister woman. But try as she might, she could not recall the deed that had led to her punishment. The memory of the dream did not leave her, and disturbed her for days to come.

Book 1, Chapter 2: Union of Two Families

It was Zain’s mother, Rukhsana, who had spotted the unconventionally beautiful Noor at a wedding. Satisfied after making enquiries about her and her family, Rukhsana considered that a well-brought-up young girl living a protected life would be a good match for her son.

“Beta, a young simple girl is a far better option than these older high-society girls you meet at parties,” Rukhsana asserted with great conviction, when her son Zain expressed his reservations. It would be easy to mould Noor into their way of life, she had explained to him. Zain’s father, Hamid, had agreed with his wife’s choice of bride for his son. Zain accepted their decision, though he was not entirely convinced.

Rukhsana, called Roxy by her coterie of friends, was an indefatigable socialite and spent considerable time flitting from one social gathering to the next. Her immaculately ironed clothes, stiff with starch, her long, perfectly dyed and blow-dried hair falling in curls to her waist, her French manicure, flawless makeup and polite manners appealed to all those who met her, except Noor, who found Rukhsana’s airs both false and supercilious.

Zain and his father, Hamid, ran one of the country’s top engineering firms, set up decades ago by Hamid’s father. Zain was the compliant son his parents relied on. Zain’s brother Sameer was three years younger than him and was the more defiant of the two. Sameer had refused to work in his family’s engineering firm and, much to his parents’ angst, had gotten himself a corporate job instead, saying that he would not compromise his independence.

Noor’s parents had a modest lifestyle. Aziz was a government official and led a disciplined life. Salma was a housewife and took great pride in their home. The sight of a clean house and a perfectly cooked meal gave her immense pleasure. Both Salma and Aziz preferred to spend most of their time at home or among their extended family and close friends.

Noor’s brother, Sikander, was five years older than her. Having scraped through university, he was thrilled when he was able to secure a decent job at a local bank. He enjoyed exercising his authority over his younger sister, with whom he had no real relationship. The only thing they had in common, Noor thought, was their parents.

Rukhsana, called Roxy by her coterie of friends, was an indefatigable socialite and spent considerable time flitting from one social gathering to the next. Her immaculately ironed clothes, stiff with starch, her long, perfectly dyed and blow-dried hair falling in curls to her waist, her French manicure, flawless makeup and polite manners appealed to all those who met her, except Noor, who found Rukhsana’s airs both false and supercilious.

While Sikander was outspoken and street-smart, his thoughts were superficial. Noor was reserved and thoughtful, but her high spirits shone through her expressive and alluring eyes. Often, Sikander poked fun at Noor — who had inherited her paternal grandmother’s dusky complexion and petite frame — calling her an adopted child, since she did not look like either parent.

Book 1, Chapter 3: Courtship

Tall and lean like his father, Zain carried himself with an air of authority. He was a man of few words but when he spoke, he charmed everyone. Yet, Noor had always felt that something was amiss between them, although she could not articulate what it was, beyond feeling a lack of attraction towards him.

Even though Noor and Zain had spent time together during their seven-month-long engagement, they were mostly chaperoned and rarely alone. Every now and then, Noor got a peek into a side of Zain’s personality that deeply unsettled her, like the time Zain was rude to a waiter, telling him to “mind his place and do as he was told” when he asked Zain not to smoke inside the restaurant. Or his mostly being late for their meetings, or when Zain commented on her lack of ambition when she told him she did not know whether she wanted to study or work after she got married. Or the time she smelled alcohol on his breath when he sat next to her at a dinner hosted by his friends to celebrate their engagement.

What was it that bothered her about Zain? Was it his arrogance, or a sense of entitlement, or was she over-analysing something that was of no significance, Noor wondered.

There was something inside telling her that she was not ready for any relationship, let alone marriage, but Noor convinced herself that, in time, everything would work itself out. Besides, Noor’s family told her at every opportunity that Zain and his family’s virtues far outnumbered Noor’s trivial concerns.

Book 1, Chapter 4: A Fresh Start

Whenever Noor felt overwhelmed, she would sit in the garden, encircled by old newspapers and tubes of paint, and partially concealed by a hedge. It was the only quiet time she had, a bid to distract her mind by either sketching or painting.

“Do you ever think about Faraz?” Noor’s childhood friend Laila asked, as she joined Noor in the lawn, in her garden nook. “I don’t want to think about him. Why are you bringing him up now? Our relationship ended almost a year ago,” Noor answered a little sharply.

She was perplexed and frankly angry at Laila’s question. “I don’t mean to upset you. I’m concerned, that’s all. In all these months, you haven’t said a word about Faraz, and I find that a bit unnatural,” Laila said, sounding worried. “I am your closest friend, and even at the time of your engagement, you did not share your feelings with me.”

“I wasn’t able to share my feelings with anyone. I was overwhelmed, everything was happening so fast. Even thinking about Faraz pained me. Staying silent was easier,” Noor said. “I don’t think you allowed yourself to process it fully,” Laila said.

There was something inside telling her that she was not ready for any relationship, let alone marriage, but Noor convinced herself that, in time, everything would work itself out. Besides, Noor’s family told her at every opportunity that Zain and his family’s virtues far outnumbered Noor’s trivial concerns.

“Perhaps not.” “After your break-up, I gave you Faraz’s messages, but you refused to talk to him. Why?”

“I couldn’t get myself to talk to him. Besides, what could I have said? What could we have done? You know how upset my parents were when they found out about us.”

“Not long before you broke up, weren’t the two of you thinking of getting married?”

“Yes, we were. He was my closest friend and confidant. But you know my parents left me with no choice but to end my relationship with him. It was the hardest thing I ever did.”

“Yes, I remember. Uncle and aunty were unreasonably harsh with you; I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Noor was silent, thinking of all the restrictions they had placed on her when they found out about her and Faraz.

“Did you think about fighting for what you wanted?” Laila asked.

“I tried to, but gave up. I am not as strong as you, Laila,” Noor tried to keep her emotions in check. “I did what was asked of me.”

Laila held Noor’s hands as she spoke, “You are stronger than you think, Noor.” Noor remained quiet, not wanting to prolong the conversation.

“Did Faraz contact you?”

“Yes, he called and asked me to elope with him,” Noor replied nonchalantly, as Laila looked on, wide-eyed.

“What! When did he call? What did you say?”

“It was soon after my engagement. I told him it would kill my father and bring shame to the family.”

“Did you consider it, though, eloping with him?”

“Are you serious?” Noor was amazed at her friend’s suggestion. “Faraz has left to study abroad and to make a future for himself. If I’d said yes, he would have to come back and take me with him. Do you think that would have been wise? How could I hold him back? He would eventually resent me for being the reason he could not pursue his dreams. My parents would be humiliated. I couldn’t be that selfish. Besides, soon enough, Faraz will find someone and forget about me.” Noor felt a heaviness settling upon her.

“Do you love Zain, then?”

“I hope that one day I can love Zain. I am entering this marriage with a clean slate. I told Zain about Faraz a few days after our engagement.”

“Why did you do that? Are you stupid?” Laila almost yelled.

“I wanted him to know everything about my life before I entered into a lifelong relationship with him.”

“What if he holds this against you?” Laila asked.

“He won’t. He asked me if I wanted to break off our engagement. I was honest and told him that, though the relationship with Faraz had been very dear to me, it was over and I wanted to make a fresh start. I told him not to give up on me,” Noor said.

Laila was staring at Noor. “I hope your decision to lay bare your past before Zain does not come back to haunt you. Some stories are better left untold.”

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

“Sometimes you look and sound so expressionless, I don’t know what to make of it. Are you happy?” Laila said.

“Let’s just say, I am hopeful about a happy future,” Noor said, and even as the words left her mouth, she knew it was herself she was trying to convince, not Laila.

Book 5, Chapter 3: The Letter

Dear Zain,
As I walked towards you on the cool autumn night when we became husband and wife, I looked at you with a lot of love and hope. If you had looked into my eyes, you would have read the hope of a new life, a new start — pristine, clear, sparkling and exciting. I believed you would protect me, show me the world through your eyes, and that a new adventure was beginning. Life would be an exciting journey of togetherness, generosity, love and fun. I believed that, together, we would overcome all of life’s challenges and celebrate each milestone, big or small.

But it wasn’t so.
We got lost somewhere between following timetables, meeting relatives and making sure everyone stayed happy. Living by everyone’s rules, you and I were not free to enjoy life or each other and to discover life through each other’s eyes. We couldn’t really develop, you and I. But you didn’t see it that way and chose to give precedence to your family over the boys and me.

Our relationship disappointed me on numerous occasions, but I did try to let go of my hurt feelings. As a young woman, I was able to let go because young people are resilient and my mother had told me I needed to be the bigger person, but what she didn’t realise was that when you expect a 19-year-old to behave beyond her years, unnaturally so, she could end up breaking. Even if that day should come years later for me.

I wish I had not become so self-reliant that I stopped needing or wanting you, that I chose to handle the highs and lows of life by myself. Handling my emotional challenges alone has been hard. This was a life we were supposed to build together, not independently. Eventually, we stopped sharing and lived parallel lives, together yet separate. My heart breaks because I remember the young innocent girl who had pinned her hopes and trust on her husband.

I know these last few years have been hellish and I have been a far from perfect wife. I admit to all my wrongs. Believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. My only defence is that I felt terribly alone as I dealt with an incapacitating sadness that enveloped me. I wish I could change the past. It has destroyed me in more ways than I can recount. I have been paying the price ever since. It is as if I stand in the court of law every day. Each day brings forth a new judgement. My punishment and forgiveness depends entirely on my ability to love you emotionally and physically, on a given day.

You don’t forgive, nor do you let me forget. Have you ever thought that perhaps it is love and not persecution that heals wounds? Am I to be labelled a selfish whore for the rest of my life? How do I erase this act of betrayal? Will my death redeem me?

I was wrong, I admit, but betrayal has many faces. Can you say with sincerity that you have never betrayed me? Or hurt me? Do you have no shortcomings? Have you never lost your way? Can you acknowledge that perhaps you could have been at fault too?

Today I feel disconnected and I am unable to feel those feelings any more. The moments of happiness have been few and far between. I have been living with a deep void for most of my married life and now I cannot take it anymore. I cannot ignore it, I cannot look away, I cannot carry on. I don’t know what to do anymore. You did what you could. I tried my best too. We failed as a couple and I am sorry that we couldn’t hold it together. Perhaps we shouldn’t be together anymore. Today, I feel like everything is slipping from my grasp. The home that I created so lovingly doesn’t feel like home anymore and I feel like a stranger in it. If it is not your fault, it isn’t entirely mine either. We both tried in our own ways but couldn’t match up to each other’s expectations.

As for me, I do not wish to live anymore. I am a burden unto myself — unable to give happiness to anyone anymore. I don’t think I can walk with you anymore.

Forgive me if you can,
Noor

Book 5, Chapter 4: Disillusioned

It was close to dawn when Noor entered the bedroom. She placed the letter on Zain’s bedside table. She cried herself to sleep and dreamt one disturbing dream after another.

Noor stood alone in a small clearing surrounded by bare trees. From between the tall dry trunks, she could see a stream but there was no sound of water. As she inched closer, she saw the stream full of dirty stagnant water outlined by brown, barren earth. Something felt horribly ominous but Noor didn’t know what it was. Just as Noor turned around, she found herself in another realm and amidst a haze, she saw before her an old dilapidated house whose white paint was peeling off its walls.

As she walked towards the house, she saw Zain sitting on the steps that led to an unkempt garden. He was wearing a beautiful, intricately embroidered shawl. Noor looked at him and felt the same love and hope that she had felt for him on their wedding day. She believed he would be her comfort for the rest of her life.

She asked him for the shawl but he told her he couldn’t give it to her, as Rukhsana too wanted the same shawl. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?” said Zain with a tone of helpless resignation. Noor was unable to ask her mother-in-law and felt let down by Zain.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a solitary dish of food appeared and a hungry Noor reached for it but, before she could eat anything, Rukhsana and Hamid dipped their fingers into the bowl, as Noor watched in disgust. She would not eat anything. Disillusioned and deeply hurt, she turned away from Zain towards an unfamiliar territory.

*The next morning, Noor saw that her letter wasn’t on the bedside table. The entire day, Noor waited for Zain to say something to her, but he did not, and at night she asked him if he had read the letter. “Yes, I did. You are being silly,” replied Zain and said no more. *

What More Could She Possibly Want? by Ayesha Husain is published by KITAB (Pvt) Limited. These excerpts are being reprinted in Eos with permission from the author and publisher.

The author has a Master’s degree in English Literature and an MPhil in Educational Leadership and School Improvement from the University of Cambridge. She is a Chevening and Cambridge Trust scholar

Header Image: Illustration by Zainab Abbasi

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 30th, 2023