In true Cliftonian tradition, a source who shall remain nameless has provided Eos with exclusively leaked audio tapes that involve the who’s who, the why’s why and the WTF’s WTF of Cliftonia’s patriotic elite. We have only been able to transcribe a few of the audios thus far; we share them below with our equally patriotic readers.

Audio Leak Alpha

Justice Ifti 2.0: Hello, it’s such a pleasure to see you.

Begum Justice Ifti 2.0: We are on the phone so how can you see me? What’s wrong with you? Who are you talking to? Is there someone in the chambers with you right now?

Justice Ifti 2.0: No, no one’s here, darling… I’m alone. How can you even think that? You should be used to my politeness after all these years. You know it’s unprecedented. There’s no politer judge than me in the history of Cliftonia. Everyone knows that. Why do you have to say these cruel things and make me cry?

The problems of the upper echelons of Cliftonia come to light, as an anonymous source leaks audio tapes of several conversations…

Begum Justice Ifti 2.0: That’s enough! Don’t be such a cry baby.

Justice Ifti 2.0: But why did you say that? Even CJs [Chief Justices] have emotions… we are humans too.

(Justice Ifti 2.0 can be heard weeping loudly on the tape).

Begum Justice Ifti 2.0: I said that’s enough! Now blow your nose and wipe your tears and quickl Whatsapp Ammijee the decision in that special case scheduled for next week. She’s been hounding me because her friend from the Aitchisonia Ladies Bridge Club is after her life, constantly asking whether her favourite judge knows what needs to be done.

Justice Ifti 2.0: Please tell Ammijee not to worry… doesn’t she know me at all? If I’m exceedingly polite to everyone who comes into my court, won’t I be even politer to Ammijee and her bridge partners? I’m so hurt… my heart breaks just thinking about this… Ammijee’s lack of trust in me is so unprecedented.

(Justice Ifti 2.0 is heard weeping once again).

Begum Ifti 2.0: Stop sobbing and send her the WhatsApp asap! Capiche?

Justice Ifti 2.0: Your wish is my command… but… please be polite…(sniff, sniff)… like me.

Audio Leak Beta

Gen GHQ [General Head Quarters]: What’s the update?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: It’s unprecedented, sir.

Gen GHQ: What is?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: The hubris, sir.

Gen GHQ: More than ours?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Way more, sir.

Gen GHQ: That really sounds unprecedented.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: It is, sir.

Gen GHQ: Has anyone been this hubristic in the past?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: I don’t recollect, sir… don’t think so. They are trying to mimic us.

Gen GHQ: Where did they learn this behavior?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: From us, sir.

Gen GHQ: What do you mean from us?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: From our nurseries, sir.

Gen GHQ: We don’t have nurseries, we have day care centres now! This is 2023, not 1963?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: But the ‘60s was a golden decade, wasn’t it, sir?

Gen GHQ: Indeed it was unprecedented.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Unprecedented, sir, unprecedented.

Audio Leak Gamma

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: This call is unprecedented. Be grateful for this unprecedentedness that the universe is bestowing upon you through me.

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: Firstly, I don’t understand what you are saying. And secondly, hurry up as there is a sale at Harrods that I must check out. Thirty five percent off on Burberry scarves!

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: I spit on Burberry scarves! No one knows Burberry scarves better than me. They are useless! I tried to sell some I got as a birthday gift from my blue-eyed, Islamophobic brother-in-law but they fetched me nothing in the re-sale market. That’s when I switched to watches… and what a courageous, visionary, unprecedented move that was!

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: Really? What kind of watches were they? Do they sell them at Harrods? Tell me quickly or my platelets will fall. And my country needs my platelets!

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: I’ll set fire to the country and your platelets before I tell you about my watches! Find your own watches… If you ask me about my watches again, you will be responsible for the fall out… not me but you… don’t blame me then… I am warning you… tell your people I said that… nobody should blame me… for anything… ever!

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: Relax… I know you better than you know yourself. We are both same to same from backside: jilted graduates of Aitchisonia’s Martial Nursery For Fair and Lovely Boys. Your fans were my fans once and my fans are your fans now… so don’t worry, jigar… this, too, shall pass… nothing you are feeling is unprecedented. Now, thook ghussa and let’s go find some new watches.

Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 28th, 2023