Uff! So many rumours twirling around these days, I swear I’m getting chukkers just remembering who who is saying what what about who who.

Aik tau there’s that ongoing stampede from PTI — like people fleeing a burning house. And charging straightaway into Jahangir Tareen’s safe, air-conditioned mansion. So Fawad Chaudhry, I’m hearing, is already sitting comfortably over there and also a lot many other old PTI karta dharta die-hearts who used to swear black and brew that they’d rather die than abandon Imran.

And though he’s denying away, rumour is that Pervaiz Khattak is also getting ready to dump ship. Like Insta G, everyone has kooch karoed. Aur tau aur, suna hai even the Pirni’s jinns have zoomed away.

I suppose now that the non-stop supply of degs of bhuna gosht has dried up in Bunny Gala and Zaman Park (and Imran tau as you know is too kanjoos to offer anyone even a huddi let alone a deg of small meat), the jinns are also flying around looking for a hand that feeds them.

But unlike the lota ex-leaders of PTI, jinns tau, poor things, are actually majboor — because of their strict no-carb, no-fruit diet na. So goss is that Imran and Pirni are Home Alone. But Imran must be very happy, because he’s always been so keen on chaadar and chardivaari. And now the Pirni has her chaadar and he has his chaardivaari. All’s well that mends well.

Butterfly considers throwing her own ‘Kitty Party Beyond All Kitties’ party, but without the Z-listers…

Vaisay one thing about Jehangir Tareen’s launch party impressed me very much. Apparently cards were sent inviting guests to join a ‘political party beyond politics’. I suppose all the ex-PTI wallahs who said they were leaving politics can join with an easy mind now, because this is just a GT na (oho baba, kya ho gya hai, Get Together).

For my next kitty party I think so I will also send out cards to my friends inviting them to a ‘kitty party beyond all kitties’. But unlike his party, mine’s going to be much more selective, baba. Sorry if I’m hurting anyone’s feelings but I’m not taking any chewed-up leftovers from other people’s parties. All the Z-listers can stay at home, thank you very much.

My friend Pumpy, who is an ex-Pak and lives outside London in a place called Sorry or Surrey or something and was also a die-heart PTI waali, called me last week. She sounded worried. You remember na how she was taking the fight to Nawaz Sharif by shrieking abuses outside his house in Bark Lane? I asked her if she was still coming up every Sunday to Avenfield House.

“Yaar, Imran rains over my heart of course, but aapas ki baat, I’ve heard ISI is making lists of ex-Pak desis who’ve been a bit hyperactive on social media against army and all,” she said. “And you tau know we’ve still got that property in Gujranwala and now that it’s become urban, it’s worth a bomb, and last thing I want is for it to get zabt karoed, all for a few innocent tweets and aik do mild see gaalis.

“I mean after all, God also only looks after those who look after themselves. So I’ve deleted my Twitter account and exited all those PTI WhatsApp groups — not that I ever agreed with them, they just added my name khaam khaa mein. So now I’m hoping and praying that ISI have got bigger fish to fry than me. I’m so worried I can hardly sleep.”

So Pumpy bechari is still Sleepless in Surrey.

Meanwhiles, Modi is visiting Washington, where he has been doing lots of downward dog and upward goat — all yoga poses I hear — and received claps from American Indians and japphees from Richard Gear and band baaja welcome from Jack and Jill Biden to White House.

Janoo, who can read Biden’s mind, says that he’s cultivating Modi as a counter to China and She Ping. Vaisay if I was cultivating anything, I’d cultivate sugar cane, so I could become a sugar baron gazillionaire and start my own party. Pur chalo, each to their own, as Mother Andrews used to say at The Convent of Jesus and Mary.

I also noted that, when Biden and Modi walked out on to the lawn of White House, Biden was holding on to Modi’s hand, and it reminded me so much of how Aunty Pussy clutches her nurse’s hand when she’s taken out in the evening into the garden for a bit of air. Shweetoo jaisa.

*The writer is a columnist and a satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
She tweets @Moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 2nd, 2023