As Cliftonians across the world get ready to celebrate their Republic Day, we speak to a few prominent citizens about what they are most proud of and grateful for when it comes to their motherland. 

Mian Anwar Awanfeld — saviour, hero, patriot, intellectual, business tycoon, accidental politician, righteous babydoll: 

“First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy Republic Day in advance. What am I grateful for? Well, a number of things: I am grateful for Harrods, I am grateful for Fortnum & Mason’s food hall, I am grateful for my rosy cheeks, I am grateful for Prince Charles, the King of London, but most of all, I am grateful for living abroad.

“As a Cliftonian, nothing makes me prouder of my country than living away from it. And that is the one lesson I have passed on to my sons. I am also proud of Lahore Kebab House’s nihari, methi gosht, and its qeema naan and aaloo paratha. Coincidentally, I am also very grateful for them.”

Brig. Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd) — saviour, hero, patriot, intellectual, supreme warrior, accidental politician, righteous babydoll: 

Cliftonia’s saviours, heroes and patriots marked Independence Day in style

“No one has ever done what I have done for this glorious republic and for that I am truly grateful to myself. No matter how much I thank myself, it will not be enough. I did not need to do it but I did it anyway because of the profound love I hold deep within my bowels for Cliftonia and each and every one of its denizens (except those who are not on the same page as me despite knowing how much being on one page means to me and how much it irritates me to read documents with more than one page, such as the constitution which, as every full-blooded Cliftonian knows, is just a piece of paper which should be thrown in the dustbin).

“As a student of history, I am also grateful for Chairman Mao who said: ‘Power flows from the barrel of a tank and absolute power flows absolutely.’ I am also grateful for my tank.

“Cliftonian things that I am very proud of? Well, I am exceedingly proud of myself. There is nothing more Cliftonian than me, in all my many hues. I am also very proud of my fertiliser business and my pizza parlour and the many cheeses I bestow upon my pies as a gesture of goodwill towards the general public.

“I wish every lactose-intolerant Cliftonian in Toronto, London, New York, Riyadh, Singapore and Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab a very happy and flatulent Republic Day!”

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr. — saviour, hero, patriot, intellectual, messiah, accidental politician, righteous babydoll:

“I am grateful for kindred spirit Trump, for if there is anyone in this world who can truly understand what it feels like to be perpetually misunderstood and called out for one’s bigotry, victim-blaming and narcissistic ramblings, it is him. I am also grateful for Messrs Putin, Bolsonaro, Erdogan, Modi and Duterte for serving as inspiration not just to me but to the millions of men currently expressing themselves as entitled, autocratic, patriarchal, misogynistic brats, who genuinely believe they are special because they know it all. As I once said to Stephen Sukkur on HardTalk Cliftonia: ‘There are many amongst us who think they know it all. By the grace of God, I am one of them.’

“And it is this band of brothers that makes me proud to be who I am. For, like me, they are all selfless mystics who frequently utter words of such profound wisdom and exhibit such generosity of spirit in their attitudes towards women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBTQ community that one’s heart swells with pride (no, not that deviant rainbow pride, astaghfar!) and all one can do is be grateful for and proud of all those enlightened Cliftonians who take our words as gospel and give bold, new meanings to them.”

Jimmy Jirga — saviour, hero, patriot, intellectual, dual national multimillionaire, accidental politician, righteous babydoll: 

“I am grateful for democracy for it is the best revenge my money can buy these days. I am also proud of the very same.”

Baron Anon — saviour, hero, patriot, intellectual, real estate mogul, accidental politician, righteous babydoll: 

“I am grateful for this land. And that land. And that land over there. And the one over there, too.”

“I am proud to be inspired by the great Fred Trump, the legendary father of fellow developer Donald Trump, in whose honour American folk singer and pseudo-liberal-fascist Woody Guthrie wrote a song called Ain’t Got No Home, wherein he sings:

‘Beach Haven is Trump’s Tower
Where no Black folks come to roam
No, no, Old Man Trump!
Old Beach Haven ain’t my home!’
“Awww, bless… what a glorious legacy
brother Trump is heir to!”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 20th, 2023