My Cliftonians!

It gives me, Jimmy Jirga — your courageously subversive representative — immense pleasure to join you on this auspicious occasion.

Today, we celebrate the launch of the Genuine Cliftonian Patriotic Revolutionaries Housing Society (GCPRHS), envisaged as the Republic’s premier think tank. This organisation was, is, and will be the need of the hour, no matter where our country is headed, and no matter what the needs of our hours might be. 

As I look around this hallowed venue, I am overjoyed to see the absence of traitors and the abundance of patriots. I had been told the radical left was going to infiltrate our gathering by sneaking in, disguised as liberals. But by the grace of God, our ever-vigilant security apparatus intercepted not only the half dozen liberals who had tried to slip in, but also caught and evicted three so-called liberals, two pseudo-liberals, and four liberal-fascists before they could pollute the sanctity of our humble holier-than-thouness. 

Many of you are aware of the extreme danger posed by these elements. It is only wise to be on constant alert and warn the world of the viciousness and deviancy of these people. It is a dangerous game we are forced to play in order to keep our world intact.

Cliftonians need to be aware of a radical group desperately trying to infiltrate our sanctimonious spaces

As Whatsapp political thinkers and historians, I hope you all know how closely the liberals resemble us, unfortunately. They look like us, live like us, have businesses like us, pretend to be victims like us and are adamant to preserve the status quo, just like us. And like us, they too blend in seamlessly with the establishment when the time is right, which is what makes them so treacherous.

I myself did not know any of this until it was pointed out to me recently by a group of revolutionary billionaire corporate patriots. They told me how these dubious folks were actually a front for a secret group of Satan worshippers who controlled the global mainstream media, which is owned, coincidentally, by the aforementioned revolutionary billionaire corporate patriots.

Yes, can you believe that? What kind of an unfair world order is this, where our misunderstood, anti-status quo, tax-evading, billionaire friends are ridiculed for the values they wish to impose on everyone but themselves by the very mainstream media that they own! Woe is me, I say… woe is truly me!

I am often asked how can one recognise a liberal? Who is a liberal? Where are they found and what insect-repellents can one use to ward them off?

Liberals, my dear Cliftonians, can be anyone and anything. No one knows who they are and what they mean. No one even knows what they want, because most often the inequality they want for the world is the same inequality we want for the world. So, at GCPRHS, we have decided to follow in the glorious traditions of real Sufi leaders such as Reagan, Thatcher, Bush and Trump by labelling anyone we dislike with the ‘L’ word.

It’s the safest way to protect ourselves because, as I said earlier, they act and look just like us. So, the next time you look in the mirror, be afraid… be very, very afraid.

Many of my fans also ask me what I mean by the radical left? Who be they? Well, let me tell you who be they for they be even more dangerous than the liberals. They be diabolical shape-shifters who, despite being a tiny minority, are responsible for everything that is wrong with our planet today. They be so powerful that they don’t even have money. They be so public that they don’t even have SUVs and use public transport to get around. And they be so deprived that they hold only one nationality… only one nationality! Can you even imagine that depravity?

However, despite being few in numbers, they are apparently everywhere and exercise power in sync with our imaginations. For instance, I remember when I was a student at the Royal Grammarian Aitchisonia Academy, we had a chemistry teacher with a pet dachshund named Trotsky. One day when I went to his office to drop off my homework, I accidentally stepped on a sleeping Trotsky. The scared dog jumped up and chomped at my assignment, shredding it to pieces! It was then that I realised that one was never safe from the radical left and that its vicious jaws could grip you anywhere, anytime!

So beware, my fellow Cliftonians, for the radical left is everyone and everything. It is scary non-English-speaking activists, it is the LGBTQ community, it is deceitful chemistry teachers, it is artists and filmmakers, it is even jarring, uncomfortable truth bombs.

But whatever you feel it is, be sure to add your self-righteousness, hate and anxieties to your fears when warning the world, for that is the only way we can protect our blessed Cliftonian way of life.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 15th, 2023