Scene: A large, plush boardroom with an enormous teak conference table. Sat around the table is a group of individuals debating matters of great import. There is worry, stress, tension galore.

We — the audience — lean in to take a closer look at the proceedings. Seeing us, they — the actors — lean away to prevent us from taking a closer look at the proceedings. Rascals!

Sitting at the head of the table is Gen GHQ, the most heavily deodorised and unaccountable man in all of Cliftonia.

Gen GHQ: It has been decided that you will not be given that election symbol. Instead you will be given this one.

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr, the most popular populist in the history of rightwing populism: But it’s my symbol!

In which the allocation of election symbols is debated behind closed doors...

Gen GHQ: No more! Now you may have this symbol.

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: But I don’t want this one.

Gen GHQ: I don’t care what you want. You there [he says pointing at a rotund, rosy-cheeked man sitting on his left]… now you may have that symbol.

Mian Anwar Awanfeld, a rotund, rosy-cheeked man used to being pointed at: But I don’t like that symbol.

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: See, he doesn’t even like it... it’s my symbol, he can’t have it!

Gen GHQ: He will like what I want him to like!

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: Please don’t yell at me like that. It scares me. How about this symbol? [He says pointing at a page from the Cliftonia Election Commission’s Holy Book of Symbols]

Gen GHQ: No, I’ve reserved that one for my aunt, in case she wants to contest elections. At 94, she is seriously considering standing against the great Cliftonian intellectual Qalil ur Rehman Khamar.

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: Qalil ur Rehman Khamar is a man’s man and would definitely be part of my cabinet when I become prime minister again. I want him to head my Ministry of Women’s Affairs. I like the way he thinks. I’m so pleased he is taking part in the elections this time. We need more men with his kind of thinking in positions of authority. What’s his election symbol?

Gen GHQ: It’s an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polkadot bikini.

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: I want that! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! That’s more me than my last symbol.

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: No, I want that! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! That’s more me now as a resident of Mayfair than my beastly election symbol! 

Gen GHQ: Enough! Stop bickering like children. What is given is given and what shall be taken away shall be taken away. That is ordained. 

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: I hate you! Why are you so mean to me?

Gen GHQ: How can you say that? Didn’t I equip an entire room as a gym especially for you? Aren’t you pressing benches like you used to when I loved you more than I hated him? [He says pointing at Anwar Awanfeld, who is busy with a steaming bowl of trotters.]

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: I only do it for religious reasons, for as you know, gyming is next to godliness. 

Gen GHQ: You know I have never hated anyone less than I hate you. If you don’t believe me, ask him [he says pointing at Anwar Awanfeld, who is still busy with his trotters].

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: You both think you are very smart. Let me tell you something: I am not as stupid as he looks [he says pointing at National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr]. 

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: Look, daddy, look at what he’s saying!

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: Now who’s yo daddy?

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: I hate all of you! I hate the world! I hate

the universe! 

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: Same to same, jigar…same to same. I’m so exhausted already. I want to make my way back to Harrods.

Gen GHQ: You’re going nowhere until I put you in jail and then let you go, you hear me?

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: Yeah, you chicken! You scaredy cat! Daddy, change his election symbol to a chicken… or at least a scaredy cat.

Mian Anwar Awanfeld: I’m the chicken? I’m the chicken? I’m the chicken, you dumb jockstrap?

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr: Daddy!

Gen GHQ: Shut up! Shut up, the both of you! This constant squabbling is driving me crazy. I think this arrangement is not working out. Perhaps it’s time to drop all pretensions, allot myself an election symbol and come into the playing field myself. Yes, that’s it. Enough of you noisy ne’er-do-wells. Guess who’s going to get the itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polkadot bikini symbol now?

National Icon&Hope Nazir Jr and Mian Anwar Awanfeld in unison: No!!!

[The curtain falls.]

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He is on X: @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 28th, 2024