With a luminous, all-encompassing personality that oozes unparalleled wisdom and prescience, it is difficult (if well-nigh impossible) to find anyone who could do justice to interviewing Gen GHQ.

Keeping this in mind, Gen GHQ approached Eos with the suggestion (aka Ordinance XXIV) that he interview himself for the publication’s current edition. Unable to refuse his kind offer, Eos succumbed to the suggestion. What follows is a first in the history of Cliftonian journalism.

Gen GHQ: This has never been done before. At least not since Alexander McQueen rode into our neighbourhood on his gallant steed Bucephalus Jhelumi many moons ago. You are known to be a unique man, a man of ideas and vision… how did you come up with this idea to interview yourself?

Gen GHQ: Thank you for taking the time out to interview me and for asking this very pertinent question. 

Gen GHQ: You’re very welcome. It is my honour.

Gen GHQ: No, no, it is my honour to be interviewed by you. No one has ever been interviewed by you, so this is a first.

In an exclusive, General GHQ interviews himself and assures Cliftonians everything will be OK

Gen GHQ: As you know, I have interviewed many people in my life, but none of them of any real importance. They’ve mostly just been prime ministerial candidates and judges of the Supreme Court, etc. So, this opportunity to interview myself is a godsend as it will provide me with an opportunity to see up close and personal what lies behind the mind of a true genius.

Gen GHQ: I am humbled by your words.

Gen GHQ: Humble is my favourite pie at Adiala Cafe. You must try it sometimes.

Gen GHQ: God forbid.

Gen GHQ: Mea culpa.

Gen GHQ: Indeed!

Gen GHQ: So, tell us a little bit about your childhood. It must have been incredible.

Gen GHQ: Yes, it was, not only because I was the child whose hood it was but also because, according to my mother, I was a born supreme leader. Some exceptional individuals are born leaders but I am the only one in recorded history who was born a supreme leader. That is why, since my inception…

Gen GHQ: By Christopher Nolan?

Gen GHQ: No, by my parental units, I have been entitled to lead and lead supremely, no matter what needs to be sacrificed at the altar of my expediency. 

Gen GHQ: What did education do to you?

Gen GHQ: At Sandhurst, we are trained to protect and defend ourselves at all costs against quality education. That training has stood me in good stead all my life.

Gen GHQ: But you are known as a man of books, a man who reads, a man of great Whatsapp forwards…

Gen GHQ: Yes, I would like to think so. I spend a great part of my day reading other people’s private correspondence, Insta and Tik Tok memes, credible and comprehensive research done by unknown misogynists-turned-podcasters, as well as ciphers sent by my children from Vancouver and Houston. 

Gen GHQ: What is your favourite colour?

Gen GHQ: You tease… hehehe… as if you didn’t know. It’s lavender.

Gen GHQ: Like your new Ralph Lauren shirt?

Gen GHQ: Exactly.

Gen GHQ: You look very handsome in it.

Gen GHQ: So I’ve been told.

GEN GHQ: So, tell us a little about how gorgeous you are…

Gen GHQ: Well, let me make it easy for your readers by putting it this way: if gorgeousness were a state, I would be its President for Life.

GEN GHQ: Hell’s yeah!

GEN GHQ: It is what it is and I’ve never been shy of saying it as it is what it is.

GEN GHQ: Indeed it is. Apropos of our bright future, what are your plans for your great grandchildren?

GEN GHQ: Cliftonians can rest at ease knowing that their great grandchildren will be supremely led by my great grandchildren in the hallowed traditions of their ancestors. My glorious descendants might be soldiers like me or industrialists or professional cricketers or feudal landowners or real estate magnates or media barons… they could belong to any profession — but not religion, caste or creed — or to any restricted gated community of their choice in this State of Cliftonia, they will be free to follow the centuries-old mores of our cherished values and never betray our Cliftonian lifestyles!

GEN GHQ: This is the assurance we, as a nation, need.

GEN GHQ: We Cliftonians, no matter what garb we come in, are born supreme leaders and will brook no opposition to our right to rule. If we tolerate no democracy within our own households, how can we tolerate it in our politics?

GEN GHQ: Beautifully said!

GEN GHQ: So, all the privileged, dual national, deodorised, good folk of Cliftonia can relax and know that I am nothing but their own reflection… I will only change when they change and that — fortunately for all of us — is never likely to happen.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 25th, 2024