“I died a thousand deaths,” is a strange term to use when facing an embarrassing situation.

It is much like the Urdu phrase “Chulu bhar pani mein doob marna [to drown in a handful of water]”, or “wish the ground would open up and swallow one”, or “to curl up and die”, when the sense of mortification is so great that the only way out seems death. The word mortification, the feeling of complete humiliation, itself comes from the Latin word for death, mors, and had a religious meaning in Christianity — “to put your sin to death.”

Is death the final rejection of an unacceptable situation? In February this year, Aaron Bushnell, an active US Air Force serviceman, set himself on fire in front of Israel’s embassy in the US. He cried “Free Palestine” as he died, having written earlier, “I will no longer be complicit in genocide.”

In the Japanese Samurai code of ethics, bushido, there was no fear of death, only the fear of dishonour. Honour could only be regained by committing ritual suicide — seppuku. However, most people do not go to such extremes. Some resign from their jobs, some become whistleblowers, while some work hard to change unacceptable policies. They metaphorically die a thousand deaths with each dishonourable or illegal action taken by the organisation, family or country they represent.

Ernest Hemmingway, in his novel A Farewell to Arms, wrote, “The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave but one.” This was Hemingway’s version of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, who dismisses his wife’s concerns for his safety with, “Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Literature and music are littered with the idea of a thousand days, nights, lives and deaths

This is different from the Urdu phrase, “Sher ki aik din ki zindagi geedarr ki sau saala zindagi se behtar hai [One day in the life of a lion is better than a hundred-year life of a hyena].” The Urdu phrase is about personal glory and honour. Julius Caesar simply believes that, “Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.” In other words, a person must focus on the task at hand and not worry about death, which is “purposed by the mighty gods.”

Thousand is not a specific number, but is hyperbole for a large quantity. A Thousand and One Nights is a much-loved collection of enthralling tales in Arabic, preceded by the Persian Hezar Afsan. Thousand nights here is the time it took Scherezade to calm down the anger of her husband. A thousand are also the desires of the poet Ghalib, each of which take away his life’s breath: “Hazaaron hwahishein aisi ki har hwahish pe dum niklay [Thousands of desires, each afflict me so].”

The poet Allama Iqbal speaks of the 1,000 years the narcissus cries at its inability to see — “Hazaaron saal nargis apni bey-noori pe roti hai” — referring to a politically divested nation. The many deaths generated by unrequited love compelled Aasi Ghazipuri to write: “Hazaaron ki jaan le chuka hai yeh chehra zer-i-niqaab ho kar [A thousand lives have been taken by the veiled face of the beloved].”

The beauty of Helen of Troy is described by Christopher Marlowe as the face that launched a thousand ships, referring to the deadly battles that took place to rescue her from her abductor, Paris. Author Albert Camus writes, “Creating makes me die a thousand deaths, because it means making order, and my entire being rebels against order. But without it I would die, scattered to the winds.”

‘Death by a thousand cuts’ is a form of torture and execution once practised in Imperial China. Today, it has become symbolic of the slow progression of broken relationships, from marriage and friendship, to political alliances and economic exploitation. Taylor Swift sings about a broken relationship: “I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not. It’s death by a thousand cuts.”

International development consultant Sanjay Gupta despairs for the poor and underprivileged who are, “Dying a thousand deaths through indignity and incompetence.” Death by a thousand cuts as a political term refers to the slow incremental injustices that initially go unnoticed, such as the displacement of Palestinians that began 76 years ago.

One imagines, being face to face with the recent 35,000 dead and 80,000 injured in Palestine, each health worker would feel they have died a thousand deaths. Nevertheless, to die a thousand deaths is infinitely better than being Too Dead to Die, the title of a 2022 US graphic novel.

Durriya Kazi is a Karachi-based artist.
She may be reached at
durriyakazi1918@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 26th, 2024