Chapter One

Once upon a time, eleven and a half million light years away from Gondwanaland, existed a republic that was full of experts. It was a magical land, brimming with opinions and egos. Every citizen knew everything about everything, except their own field of responsibilities and duties.

This enchanted land was a constantly bubbling cauldron of self-proclaimed specialists and emitted a pong so potent and powerful, that its vapour spread across valleys and seas, over man and beast, engulfing all that came in its wake. 

The country was ruled by a ginormous octopus, that snorted raw eggs for breakfast and charcoal-flavoured venison for supper. It slumbered between meal times and left the tedious affairs of the state to be run by its tentacles of inky ministers.

These tenticular viziers comprised the Holy Administrative Cabinet of Patriotism and spent most of their time fighting amongst themselves. This kept the giant entertained and flatulent, and the people of the land upset and irritably bowelled. 

The mighty roar that disturbed the slumber of the Octopus ruler has his viziers on tenterhooks, as they face their greatest threat to date: pronouns

Chapter Two

One day, right before Chapter Two began, the giant was woken up by a mighty roar. He summoned the Chief Vizier to his chambers and bellowed in lividity.

“Who in the blessed tabernacles of Zordia has honked me awake at such an ungodly hour? I must have his/her/their head at once! Get me a guillotine and a proper pronoun or I shall get thee to a nunnery!” he yelled.

“Your Excellency, we have never heard such a sound ourselves. We are as flummoxed by it as you are. I have already appointed a special cabinet commission to look into the matter and investigate its causes, so that the correct pronoun can be punished. Pronouns, as you know, are the biggest danger that afflicts our planet today. May the deities of all that is sacrosanct protect us from all that is woke, for wokeness is an evil greater than the combined sum of genocide + hunger + denial of human rights + injustice + disease + natural disasters due to climate change,” said the Chief Vizier.

“If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, root out wokeness from this land forthwith or I shall root out canals deep into your dentures!” the giant screamed.

“As you please, Your Gigantic Excellency,” said the Chief Vizier.

Chapter Three

Nothing happened throughout Chapter Three. The fear of retribution was such that the Chief Vizier quickly moved to Chapter Four for the sake of his safety.

Chapter Four

The Chief Vizier waited and waited and waited… the never-ending wait felt as if it was never going to end, that’s how never-ending it felt. Until one day, seventeen kilogrammes into Chapter Four, the Internal Supervisory Inspector of the Republic and its chief patriot, informed the Chief Vizier of the calamity that had befallen.

“Unfortunately, we have not been able to find the source of the roar that awoke His Tenticular Excellency. It was, most probably, the foreign hand as usual. But that is not the cause of our fear. The real danger is that having been awoken, His Excellency is now being viewed as woke across the length and breadth of our beloved land,” said the Internal Supervisory Inspector of the Republic.

“No! Tell me that’s not true!” the Chief Vizier panicked.

“I’m afraid it is,” the Internal Supervisory Inspector of the Republic replied.

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“We can’t keep on doing this. I’ll see you in Chapter Five,” said the Internal Supervisory Inspector of the Republic, concluding the chapter.

Chapter Five

“Fee Fi Fo Fum, how dare they call me a woke bum?” screamed the Giant Octopus. “I’m toxic and bigoted and misogynistic and racist and homophobic and entitled and narcissistic and self-absorbed and self-righteous! I’m the best combination of Androo Tayte and Doland Trump and Qalil ur Rehan Commer and Ahil Sadeem!

“They are going after me just because I’m a male octopus… just because I say that males are not robots! This is the real reason for attacking me, no matter how much they try and camouflage it… they are jealous of me and my popularity and my commitment to defending the foundations of civilisation! 

“This is a conspiracy, Chief Vizier, a conspiracy conspired by the deep-state-backed, radical left Rothschildian wokes to woke me out of a job. Can’t you see that the Rothschilds are hell bent on woking me into oblivion?” said the Giant Octopus. 

“I can, your Excellency, but it’s too late for anything to happen this late in the chapter,” said the Chief Vizier. “No matter how bleak it seems right now, never forget that the Rothschilds never give up on one of their own… even if they make you leave temporarily, they will bring you back… perhaps not in the next chapter, but certainly in the one after that. You will always be a part of their story,” said the Chief Vizier.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 11th, 2024