‘Am I Just Being Led On?’

Hello Auntie,

I am 27 years old and have completed my master’s degree. I am currently struggling to find a government job. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for seven years and we’ve met only once.

He is 10 years older than me and works as a police sub-inspector. He says he wants to buy a house in Karachi and will send a proposal after that. However, he doesn’t show much interest in doing things for me, such as taking me out for lunch or dinner. When I insist, he agrees, but never follows through, always giving the excuse that he’s busy with work.

He’s been in Karachi for the past three months but, for the first seven years, he lived in rural Sindh. Although he is very romantic, he doesn’t share much about other aspects of his life.

I wonder if I should still wait for him. What should I do?

Waiting Heart

Dear Waiting Heart,

This is a challenging situation for you, especially given the cultural and social expectations involved.

Long-term relationships, especially when they aren’t leading to a formal proposal or marriage, can be emotionally taxing and even stressful for those involved. After seven years together, it’s natural for you to want clarity and actions that reflect his commitment.

If he keeps delaying without a concrete timeline, it is likely a sign that he isn’t fully ready to move forward. Buying a house is a big step, but I wonder why he thinks it is a prerequisite for discussing a proposal, if he’s truly committed to you and your future together.

Relationships need mutual support and understanding and it’s essential for both of you to feel valued. Let him know that, while you understand his work demands, you also need his time and attention. Surely he could have found more time to meet you in seven years!

Ask him openly about his plans, as well as why he feels buying a house must come before taking the next step in your relationship. Having met only once in seven years, it must be difficult to fully understand each other’s personalities and values. Also, long-distance relationships require extra transparency.

At 27, you’re at a point where it’s essential to prioritise your own goals in both your career and your relationships. Waiting indefinitely will affect your personal happiness and also limit your future choices. Take some time to consider if this relationship truly aligns with the future you see for yourself. I know you have invested a lot of time here, but it is fair for you to set a timeline for when you expect things to move forward. Doing so is not about rushing him; it’s about respecting your own journey.

If he continues to remain vague or hesitant after you’ve shared your thoughts and needs, it might be worth thinking about whether he’s genuinely ready for marriage and commitment. Please remember that your happiness and peace of mind are as valuable as his and deserve to be prioritised.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

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Published in Dawn, November 3rd, 2024