Dear Auntie,
I am a 26-year-old girl. I have an older brother. We both have jobs. He is saving for his wedding, which is a love marriage. The issue is that his fiancée is always comparing herself with me, although we barely meet and talk. My brother is very disrespectful towards me and my parents and sometimes he is physically aggressive as well. He has not hit us yet but he’s very aggressive and supports his fiancée even if she’s wrong. And it seems we are always wrong.

He says he cannot spend a penny on us (we don’t ask him to) as he is saving for his marriage. But he keeps an eye on my income as well. My mother is getting old and she’s a working woman. Instead of supporting us, he expects us to earn. He says his wife will not work, because “she’s not shameless.” He recently raised the point that I should be saving for my marriage as well, just like him. I am a girl and I earn for myself, so as not to be a burden on my family. Who is he to keep an eye on my income and decide what I should do with my money? I can’t fight him a lot, as I am sure he will get aggressive. Sometimes, I want to shift to an apartment with my mom, so we can live in peace.

Recently, some relatives visited us for a few days. We couldn’t give them the full guest treatment, as I come home late and my mom immediately cooks when she comes home, so both of us get tired. They offered us Rs10,000 as a token of thanks, which we refused several times, but they insisted on giving it to us. Now, my brother is shouting at us about taking the money. And he obviously got aggressive again. What should I do to keep ourselves safe and how should we deal with him?
Concerned Sister

‘My Brother Often Gets Toxic’

Dear Concerned Sister,
Your brother’s behaviour, as you’ve described, is alarming, especially because he is aggressive and tries to control your personal choices. You have to approach this carefully, both for your safety and peace of mind. While you should keep communication open, you should try to keep it neutral also. When talking to your brother, express yourself and define your boundaries calmly, without becoming accusatory. This way he might actually listen to you rather than reacting the way he has been doing.

Regarding finances, you have the right to make your own choices. You’re already supporting yourself, and it’s only fair that you keep your savings for your future needs. Try not to get into arguments about money. Instead, change the focus of the conversation to each family member’s individual contributions.

As for the recent guests, it sounds like both you and your mother did your best to make them comfortable, despite your schedules. Accepting the gift from your guests, who probably understood the situation, is perfectly fine, and it’s also common for family members to help one another out, without expecting lavish hospitality. Explain to your brother that this was simply a gesture of gratitude.

Your desire to create a peaceful environment for yourself and your mother is completely justifiable. Assuming that moving to a smaller place together is an option, think about it, because it could provide you the much needed calm you’re both after. However, if that’s not feasible, find small ways to create a peaceful space in your current situation.

With patience and calm communication, you may be able to navigate this situation. In case your brother’s aggression escalates, think about reaching out to a trusted family elder or professional for mediation.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 17th, 2024