Published 20 Jun, 2010 12:00am
And you thought I could live without you! And, I thought I couldn't live without you! How untrue, we have been to each other. Weren't our lives, supposed to be our mutual objective of living?
Post, the most tragic event in your life, you immediately seized upon my life, as your objective of living. I gave meaning to your life. In the unknown journey of life, you needed a pursuit, and my infant innocence gave you the motive, to move on... I grew up, clutching your index finger. If I was your focus, so were you mine. You circumambulated with extreme devotion, around my years of growing up. In the frail years of my childhood, your presence was my strength. I was deeply fascinated by your handsome looks. I would draw comparisons with Rock Hudson, Cary Grant and feel good about it. I had begun to idolise you!
Each day, while I retired to bed, you would sink into your exclusive reclining arm chair, and smoke that Havana Cigar, that you were so fond of! Many would think that cigar smoke is injurious to health; but only God knows, to me it was an elixir of life. The aroma and the burning glow at the tip of the cigar, in the darkness of the night and my life, gave me the strength and confidence, to fall into peaceful sleep. I knew you were there, for me and hence no harm could come to me. Although, your unmeditated exclamation at times, 'you cannot fight the author of the destiny', made me very restless.
I have in my zest, to explore your personality, attempted many a times, to define the word 'dedication' and in that pursuit, numerous adventures to do so, have failed me. There is no synonym or explanation, your life was a devotion to my mother's memory. With pride, she must have looked upon you, from the heavens, as you traversed lonely on the treacherous path of life!
The bond between us, packed greater strength, with each passing year, that saw me come into my youthful years and saw you decline into your midlife. This was the most soul searching period of my life. I knew, your old age was round the corner and therefore I detested the arrival of our birthdays each year; the occasion would herald the strengthening of my physical self and the weakening of yours!
Do you now recall and realise why I never ever wished you on your birthdays; because I hated your growing old. I foresaw and later experienced with pain, how conveniently you were allowing your role reversal.
You had your index finger freed from my clutches and instead my hands were now tightly holding your arms, to ensure your physical stability. If I had not loved you, I would have never let go of your index finger — why did we have to be so selfish in achieving our objectives.
Since our lives were intertwined, you in your wisdom, worked to create an objective for my life. Devoid of your presence, you knew that I would not have any zest to live. With fear abounding of the unknown; you rushed me into a relationship, which gave me beautiful offspring, for you knew that would give a purpose to my life!
Many a time when we would be discussing the sublime and not so sublime issues, ranging from history, philosophy, religion to politics and current affairs, you would suddenly, as if struck by lightening of reality, grab my arms and remark, ' remember my child, no parent has come forever — no parent lives for ever.' You falsely imagined that with such painful doses of observations, you could prepare me mentally for the inevitable! No, you failed!
I cannot fathom, how you could even think that I would accept, what would come to pass! Thoughts of parting I would shrug off and with misty eyes look up to heavens to implore and plead, do not let us part — have mercy! Since in your scheme of things, you had accomplished with great honour, the purpose of your life, having given the best to your family, you suddenly lost the charm to live. I saw the decline, but don't even think that I had begun to accept your remarks. No, faith and hope were my anchors of life.
My dad, it is more than nine years today, when on a calm Friday afternoon you peacefully, with your hallmark grace and charm, passed away. A void, a vacuum, an abyss, in life that shall remain, till we join in eternity. My fears, came to an end.
Couple of years now, oh! See how we mutually cheated on each other- you thought I could live without you; and I thought I couldn't live without you!
