Today, our Mujahideen brothers are celebrating a great victory. We can hardly hear ourselves speak over the noise of their celebratory aerial firing. This is why I have decided instead, to write you a letter. Although, I do know that you are unable to read this letter presently, which also happens to be the reason for the celebrations taking place here today. However, I wish that this letter is only read to you in the case when after you wake, your memory remains unharmed. Though, that would be the most painful thing for me.

Today, our brave brothers are very happy as this is the greatest victory that they have won since Russia lost in Afghanistan. They told me that you are learning to read and write, which was a great threat to Islam and that you are working to promote secular ideology.

I do not know whether the definition of secularism taught in your schoolbooks is still atheism or not but I agree that your wish to learn to read and write constitutes as secularism. Our brothers speak little and usually do not clarify what they say as that is what the Shaheens do, returning and ambushing its prey. Conversation is the legacy of the foolish, not of the Mard-e-Momin. That is why after Khushhal Khan, Rehman Baba and Ghani Khan, we have either stopped doing this or left it to the few mad people who have taken refuge in some faraway camp.

I have also been informed that you were working for the US and liked the US President. My daughter, it is not only your fault, we are at fault too. We forgot to tell you that it was your duty to hate the Americans, especially Obama. You must understand that the beggar must always hate the one who gives him alms as that is a golden rule. It is on the basis of this very rule that a historical struggle to establish a new Islamic state is taking place at the moment. I am sure that from now on, you will not object to the completion of this beautiful dream.

I hope that you will awake from this deep sleep and our Shaheen brothers have promised that they will come to visit you once again. Like every true Muslim, these ghazis are true to their word. I pray that you attain exaltation from the wealth of faith that has been fixed upon you and remain safe from the curse of education and literacy so that our brothers are able to demonstrate the same mercy to you, which they were directed to display in regard to women and children some 1400 years ago. I am sending this letter through them because they will read the letter out to you in this situation. After all, education is their right.

The best part is that now you and our other daughters will all be safe within the four walls of the house and our brave brothers will be responsible for their protection. We will be rid of the “Hindu” rituals of our weddings and at the attainment of adolescence at the age decided in Islam, these brave men will be present for a second marriage to any believing girl.

What else do you want? Why do you insist on obtaining an education? After all, you and all those daughters of this country who have obtained some education, why can’t you all lose your memory and continue to live, just like the characters of our films? What can be a greater jihad than if what happens in our films starts happening in real life too, and then we could permanently get rid of these films as well? If you continue to behave stubbornly, it will be very difficult for me to save you. If circumstances permitted, then I would have sent you to China to study as that is the only place deemed suitable to gain an education in Islam, but the challenges given by our Shaheen brothers has produced such a pandemonium there, thus revealing the true nature of these infidels’ pledges of friendship to us. Now those cowardly Chinese are not only scared of our brothers but also our daughters.

It is such a happy occasion that the hellish gate of education has also closed upon you. All I hope for now is that when you wake, you are unable to read this letter. That will be the best for everyone; our Shaheen brothers, yours, as well as of all the fathers of daughters like me.

May Allah keep you safe from knowledge and memory and enrich you with the happiness of good, noble deeds.